COUNSELOR PAGES

As infants, we fail to thrive if we are not loved, touched, cuddled, and nurtured—rejecting even food if our greater hunger for affection remains unsatisfied.

—Gregory K. Popcak[1]

As we have discovered, the female body serves a noble social purpose by regulating population growth. In no way should a man ever contradict God’s wisdom by suggesting that a woman’s lower sexual appetite than he means that women are sexually defective. Notwithstanding the biologically smaller female sexual appetite, research has discovered something else that men should take note of. Just because God designed a woman’s body to prompt her sexual appetite only two days a month, does not mean that she cannot be sexual more often than that. Research shows that both men and women are capable of being subjectively sexually aroused much more frequently than what biological influences might suggest.[1] & [2] Research definitively indicates that female desire can be independent of ovulation. In fact, even though human females are fertile only one-seventh of the time, they are continuously capable of strong sexual interest and arousal.[3] Furthermore, most human females continue to enjoy sexual arousal and behavior long after they cease menstruating and are no longer capable of reproduction.[4] This is made evident by the fact that sex continues long after women cease menstruating in their forties and fifties which is well beyond their times of heightened interest due to ovulation.”[5]

To further support these claims, several researchers have found from studies conducted over the past 50 years that married couples, during the early years of mar­riage, consistently engage in sexual intercourse two or three times a week.[6] & [7] Couples who have sex two or three times a week equates to 8 to 12 times a month which virtually matches the male biological appetite of ten! Knowing this should make men feel better. Even though wive’s may not be meeting all of their husband’s desire, they are at least meeting biologically what they need. As you have also noticed, ten times is significantly more often than the female’s biological desire of just two times a month. How must we account for that? For the majority of women, having sex on either one of her two ovulation days is probably enough to satisfy her monthly appetite for it. So what prompts her to have sex more than she should want? What shall we do with the fact that while the frequency of two or three times a week for intercourse naturally declines with age for both genders,[8],[9] & [10] sex rarely goes completely away for most couples?

Exacerbating our female conundrum, sexual activity among older couples normally declines in midlife from several times a week, to several times a month. A 1973 cross-sectional survey of American couples found that those ages 45 to 54 experienced sex a median of 52 times a year while those 55 and up dropped only slightly to 49 times per year.[11] Alfred Kinsey found similar results from his studies some 25 years earlier when he discovered that the median number of sexual experiences for all couples over age 44 continued to be about once a week. More recent data confirms the findings of those previous studies in that sex among American couples declines from about two times a week for those under age thirty to a bit more than once a week for couples in their forties.[12]

These studies definitely indicate that sex is not tied entirely to biological directives for women. So why do women have sex more often than they should biologically want? Part of the answer is that estrogen allows them to accommodate their husbands sexually.[13] While measurements of sexual frequency do show an accommodation of sex by women, they do not necessarily reveal a wife’s sexual desire. Some men may not be disturbed by the idea of being accommodated sexually. But, just as most women likely abhor the idea of having their feelings placated, so most men would abhor the idea of being placated sexually. [14] The standard response I hear from women in my counseling office once they learn of the magnitude of their husbands appetite is to say something like “Ok, we can do it more often but just hurry up and get it over with.” Likewise men who say to their wives, “just tell me how you feel” apart from any effort to understand her feelings, likely does immeasurable harm to his marriage also. Dan Seaborn is his book The Necessary Nine writes “Being sexually available is not the issue here; a man wants a wife who is sexually engaged.”[15] As an artifact of protoconversation and of having been nurtured by a mother, both spouses want the other to instinctively know how to love them and follow through―by doing it. This is why knowing that a wife desires her husband and the generation of sexual desire in the wife becomes so important.

Dr. Marianne Legato in her book Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget indicates that a woman may have to work at developing sexual desire.[16] Furthermore, other counselors have suggested that if a woman will begin to meet her husband’s sexual need over a period of time, then her husband would likely become willing to meet her emotional needs in return.[17], [18] & [19] Even though advice like this does acknowledge the cyclical nature of intimacy, and confirms the Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Marital Intimacy, a word of caution must be offered here. While initiating sex could be beneficial to a woman’s marriage by helping her husband become more open to her, it does not guarantee however that she will get what she wants from him in return.

Actually, due to his Love Gauge, he will likely assume that the relationship has simply returned to normal because the faucet of the frequency and quality of sex has been turned back on. This would tell him that he is doing a good job and that no further effort is required. In addition, giving women advice to initiate sex believing that her husband will reciprocate, assumes that a husband knows what his wife wants from a relationship with him.

The fact that her Safety Valve is probably what caused sex to be shut down for them, generally indicates that her husband does not know how to meet her relational needs and desires. Because, if he had been meeting those in the first place, then her safety valve would have remained open instead of closing. A wife’s properly working Safety Valve is precisely what I typically find when counseling with husbands. Most are oblivious to what their wife wants yet often erroneously believe that she wants sex just like they do. I generally recommend that the wife initiate sex, as a demonstration of good-will, only after her husband learns how to meet her desires so that he may reciprocate his love appropriately. For a woman to initiate sex without receiving what she wants would probably only serve to increase her resentment toward her husband even further and eventually to the counselor who recommended it to her as well. The wisdom of God, in Genesis 2:24, places the onus of initiation on the husband. Notwithstanding the husband’s Biblical responsibility to do this for her, there are other factors to consider. One of those factors has to do with arousing a wife’s sexual feelings.

Dr. Marianne Legato has suggested that sexual arousal can be difficult for a woman to generate, and that a woman’s sexual interest may need time to be cultivated over the course of several days.[20] This would most certainly require some patient assistance from the husband. Therefore, she emphasizes the importance of foreplay.[21] Husbands should be aware that foreplay is immensely important for women, and not for just fifteen minutes before intercourse. Dan Seaborn and his colleagues in their book The Necessary Nine put it this way:

Although grabbing at her breast or backside might seem like the ideal mode of foreplay to you, they might leave her feeling cheapened, as if she’s nothing more than a sex object. However, when she feels you’ve appreciated and affirmed her emotionally, she feels closer to you and sexier than ever. [22]

Women want to know that they are loved instead of being manipulated for sex. Paul David Tripp reminds us that “…you do not build a marriage of unity, understanding, and love in a few big moments of life, but in ten thousand little moments”, and that the cumulative effect of your little moments of faithfulness to affection will convince your wife that you can be trusted with her body.”[23] Men should also keep in mind that even though they may be tempted to use erotic images to arouse their wives, in the long-run it will fail. In those circumstances a woman will eventually recognize that her arousal is based on a false “lust” rather than on the genuine loving feelings for her husband that she wants to base her sexuality on. Therefore, sexual interest is best facilitated for women through consistent and continuous foreplay which is called affection. Some refer to it as nonsexual touch while Dr. Harley refers to it as “sexless affection.”[24]

In the section Verbal Intercourse, we discussed how conversation is the fuel that revs the wife’s engine. In the previous section His Love Gauge, we found that sex is the fuel that revs the husband’s engine. These two fuels form the aesthetic aspects of marriage that unite and bond husband and wife. And, if verbal and sexual intercourse are the two things that revs one another’s engine, then affection is what keeps the motor of desire running and the engine of relationship idling. According to Dr. Willard Harley Jr. who so aptly states in his book His Needs Her Needs that affection is the “environment” of a couple’s relationship.[25] Affection maintains the foundation that can launch husband and wife into one of two directions whether toward greater communication or toward greater physicality.

While affection does maintain a minimal environment for both the husband and wife to keep their relationship alive, it does not ultimately provide what either one wants totally. Affection is merely a partial version of the physical intimacy that men want as well as an incomplete expression of the love talk that wives want. The Scriptural parallel is found in 1Corinthians 13:12 where Paul writes, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (NIV) As the two gravitate toward the opposing poles of either verbal or sexual intercourse, they provide a clearer picture of the passionate kind of relationship that God wants with all of us.[26] While verbal intercourse is her ultimate goal, sexual intercourse is his. Affection is what sets the stage for both. Dr. Harley goes on to write, “Affection is a way of life, a canopy that covers and protects a marriage. It’s a direct and convincing expression of love that gives the event of sex a more appropriate context. Most women need affection before sex means much to them.“[27]

To illustrate the importance of the environment of affection, when the male intensifies affection toward the female it moves simple nonsexual touch toward sexual foreplay. Since women tend to view affection as a form of nonverbal communication, her intensification of affection begins to drive the relationship toward verbal forms of communication, while men view it as a vehicle toward sex. As she moves affection from nonverbal forms of communication into the verbal realm, flirting makes their talk more sensual. Her ultimate goal is to form an intimate, open and honest dialogue that creates emotional intimacy[28] through verbal intercourse. Move his sexual foreplay even further and the couple experiences sexual forms of intimacy through kissing and genital touching. As you can see, affection is the benchmark of a relationship. When it flourishes husbands and wives feel connected and their relationship has a potential to blossom both conversationally and then sexually. It is however, a double-edged sword for both.

For the husband, while affection does provide some measure of physical intimacy, left in that realm it is never completely fulfilling. As his goal is to move affection toward sex,[29] he continuously runs the risk of offending his wife. The razors edge for a husband is coming to know how much sexual affection he can apply to his wife versus how much sexual frustration he can tolerate. Newlywed husbands soon discover that too much sexual touch will turn his wife off. Too little sexual touch and their sexual intimacy goes nowhere. Most men know that initiating affection by touching their wives often causes them to want to touch her even more. And, he does not just want to touch her more and more, he wants to touch her sexually as well. If a husband has ever taken that too far, he knows exactly how frustrating it can be to move affection toward sex and then be shut down. If that happens to a husband regularly, some men may start to avoid affection with their wife altogether.

Conversely, because women view affection as a form of nonverbal communication, her goal is to advance it toward verbal communication and ultimately to verbal intercourse. Because sex is not always her goal, when a husband constantly introduces sexual touch into affection, it becomes offensive because it interrupts her goal of emotional closeness. She wonders, “If affection always has to be sexual, then when will it ever lead to intimate conversation?” The razors edge for women comes from knowing when to accommodate sexual advances versus when to ask for what they want. Thus, statements from her like, “You never hold my hand” or “You’re always pawing at me, when can I have some nonsexual touch?” When it happens frequently, too much sexual affection may eventually cause a wife to avoid affection altogether as well.

While affection maintains the relationship through nonverbal forms of communication, it also serves another important function. Affection does help a woman prepare for sex by making her feel loved. She will, at times, allow sexual types of affection. These times of openness seem to occur on a frequency that is correlated with her husband’s three day cycle. How do we know this? Because we know that couple’s have sex that matches the husband’s 2-3 times per week appetite.

While women intuitively know their husband’s cycle, the conundrum for women is finding the desire to accommodate them. When there is not enough nonsexual affection for a wife, it becomes virtually impossible for her to generate sexual desire. This is the opposite of what most men believe is true. Most men believe that sexual touch is what gets their wives going sexually. While that is ultimately true, in order for sexual touch to work, the foundation of nonsexual touch and affection must be laid first. Because most women intuitively know how important sex is to their husbands, they often worry if he has gone too long without it, and will often ask for affection in order to generate the sexual feelings they need in order to follow through with sex. Why do women ask?

First of all, it is partially a matter of ethics for her. No woman wants to give herself to someone that she is unsure of whether or not he loves her. To do so would make her a whore. Most women need to know beyond doubt that they are loved in order to be sexual. It is partially an ethical matter that she bases her sexuality on.

The second reason women ask for affection has to do with a fear of not being sexual enough for their husbands.[30] The metamessage of asking for affection is, “I want to be pleasing to you but need help in generating those sexual feelings.” Men often think erroneously that those feelings should just be there automatically—if not at least periodically―as is true for them. We now know that to believe is simply untrue. From the aspect of keeping the conversation of the marriage going, women do like affection. But, beyond the metamessages of cherished care and of love, they receive bonus help from the sexually arousing feelings those messages provide for them.

The reason that women need affection before they can be sexual has to do with the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin working in concert with endorphins causes the brain to have a “valium-like” tranquilizing effect, whereby stress is neutralized and which causes a person to experience dreamy feelings of comfort and contentment. [31], [32] & [33] Researchers and counselors are well aware of the negative affect stress has on sexuality. Since endorphins help to remove the pain of stress it also paves the way for women to be sexual. In large amounts endorphins and oxytocin are chemicals largely responsible for the strong feelings associated with euphoria and the rush of orgasm. [34] When present it accentuates attraction; the sensation of touch; pair-bonding; attachment and trust. It is often referred to as the “unconditional love” hormone[35] which helps women to satisfy their ethical requirements for sex. Oxytocin levels increase in a person’s brain when they perceive that: they are connecting with another person; they are empathizing with someone else; others are trying to understand their feelings; they are touching someone purposefully or are being touched by someone else. Even the anticipation of receiving these things, can cause an oxytocin reaction to be elicited.[36] The level of the oxytocin response is both preprogrammed biologically as well as by the perceptual magnitude of the positive experience. As you should be able to see, oxytocin is largely a byproduct of interpersonal affection.

The reason that oxytocin is so important for helping to generate a woman’s sexual desire has to do with what it does biologically to her. When either gender experiences affection, both the person receiving it and the person giving it gets a surge of the neuropeptide hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin then triggers the hypothalamus of the brain to produce some amount of testosterone, [37] which we know is paramount in developing sexual desire and arousal. Normally for a woman, the small amounts of testosterone that her body produces, comes from her ovaries and adrenal glands. The testosterone that comes from oxytocin gets produced directly in the brain. The more oxytocin produced, means higher levels of testosterone. When that happens, testosterone induces sexualizing feelings within the brain. Therefore, women rely on the production of testosterone from constant and consistent affection, in order for them to be able to generate the sexual feelings they want to have for their husband’s as they detect his need. Women who have sexual difficulties are probably not receiving enough oxytocin from quality affection. While women rely on the production of oxytocin so that they can be sexual, men rely on it for its sexual punch.

As mentioned, oxytocin levels spike during sexual orgasm for both men and women, but men get the greatest jolt from it. The fact that oxytocin surges 500% more in men during orgasm than it does in women[38] is why the orgasm is so important to men and why it is so addicting to them. This surge helps to explain why men often feel close to their wives as a result of lovemaking and why many women need to feel close in order to want to make love.[39] Havelock Ellis, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, may have been the first to observe the correlation between affection and biology as well how women are reliant on affection from their husband’s for the expression of their sexuality. He stated succinctly that women are innately passive beings, who require both the courtship and the driving interest of men in order to elicit a sexual response from them.[40] Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III have observed in their book Intimate Allies that many women, especially Christian women in particular, feel that it is their place to receive and respond to sexual advances rather than to generate arousal and instigate sex. They note that women in general feel more comfortable as the object of male sexual desire. Allender & Longman go on to write:

If their husbands did not pursue them, they would numbly continue to sustain their boring asexual lifestyle. Their husband’s pursuit, frequently tinged with anger and selfishness, often leads to conflict, not mutual satisfaction.[41]

Elyze Fitzpatrick writes in her book Helper By Design that the struggle women have in this area usually isn’t because they do not long for oneness with their husbands and not because they do not love or want to please them, the problem stems from a lack of sexual interest.[42] Therefore affection toward the wife is highly critical to maintaining the sexual part of a couple’s marriage relationship.

The relationship between how men and women share affection is graphically summarized in the chart below:

Men and Women Hold a Lopsided View of Affection

As you can see affection is important to women but never eclipses their most basic need for security―instead it simply builds on it. Women can go long periods of time without sex in their relationships, but usually will not stay in a relationship where security is absent. As mentioned before, women will stay in a loveless or even an abusive relationship in order to preserve security. They will leave only if they can find both somewhere else. For women who do have security and experience love, affection is a way that a woman knows is the best way to help her develop sexual feelings as the oxytocin she receives from it facilitates the production of testosterone which fuels her sexual desire.

Ways for Husbands to Show Physical Affection& Generate Oxytocin

Here is what some experts say are important ways for a husbands to demonstrate affection toward the women they love:

1. Hug and Kiss Her ― Hugging and kissing[43] & [44] your wife every morning while you are still in bed[45] lets her know that she is loved. Women sometimes suffer from bad dreams that involve their husband in some way. This practice may help remove some bad feelings from her occasional dreamwork. Brushing teeth and using a mouth rinse beforehand will make it a better experience for her while also letting her know that you care about how you smell to her.

Give her heartfelt hugs[46] & [47] that say “I’m glad to see you!” Dr. Brizendine suggests that they should last at least 20 seconds.[48] You can tell when she gets a shot of oxytocin as she might giggle when it happens.

Kiss before leaving her for work or running errands. [49] Taking time out to do this will tell her that she is more important than what you are about to do.

Even though you may be exhausted and famished when you arrive home from work, take time to give her a hug and kiss before doing anything else.[50] Doing so will tell her that she is more important to you than flopping onto the couch or satisfying your hunger.

Hug and kiss her every night, before you both go to sleep[51] so that she knows your thoughts of her will be the last on your mind for that day thus giving the two of you a greater chance that you will have pleasant dreams of each other.

Showing modest displays of affection in public, [52] tells her that you are not ashamed for others to know that you love her.

2. Hold Her Hand ― Holding hands is a time-honored and effective sign of affection [53] & [54] that can begin fueling her next sexual arousal.

3. Walk with Her ― Take your wife for a long walk after dinner.[55], [56], [57] & [58]Not only does it provide a great opportunity for undistracted verbal intercourse but also provides a natural context for holding her hand as well. Incidentally, exercise has the added benefit of activating her sympathetic nervous system which facilitates the production of testosterone thereby fueling her sexual arousal. Researchers Meston and Gorzalka have shown that genital arousal can occur 15 minutes following acute exercise in the average woman (even though most are unaware that they are physiologically aroused).[59] Men who exercise just 20-30 minutes a day are 50% less likely to experience erectile difficulties.[60]

4. Give Her Nonsexual Touch ― Offer her a back or foot rub.[61], [62], [63] & [64] Foot rubs stimulate a section of the brain that is directly adjacent to the area associated with her sexual arousal. You know that doing something physically challenging may cause your face, mouth or tongue to be activated. Pursing our lips, grimacing our face or sticking our tongue out seems to help us accomplish the difficult task that our body is trying to perform. That is because stimulating regions of the rain that control these parts can activate them too. Psychology professor Barry Komisaruk, of Rutgers University, notes that many people find foot massage to be erotic because the region associated with genital stimulation is right next to the region for the feet.[65]

Cuddling[66] & [67] with her while you watch a movie[68] or during her favorite television program helps her to feel warm and protected in your arms and that you are taking an interest in what interests her. 

Kathleen Light, a psychiatry professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, who has studied oxytocin levels in women has discovered that, while holding hands with their husbands; maintaining eye contact with him; and lying together all raised a woman’s levels. The real gold standard was stroking her hands, neck, or back. These forms of nonsexual touch all raised oxytocin production by 20 percent.[69]

5. Help Her Shop ― Shopping for food and clothing[70] can be hard work. Lugging packages in and out of carts and car trunks may be more than a wife bargains for. Your help with heavy lifting tells her that you are there to help her. Shopping for clothes is a different matter.[71] Taking an interest in what you think she would like to wear by picking out clothes for her to try on will tell her that you are concerned about what she is. Keep in mind that married women tend not to dress for husbands but rather for the approval of other women.

6. Exercise Creative Abstinence ― Couples who adopt the practice of abstaining from sex and genital touching while intensifying nongenital physical contact are practicing what Gregory Popcak refers to as “Creative Abstinence.” Elevating kissing, cuddling, and general making out while preventing themselves from going all the way can enflame the sexual desire a couple has one another. Other nonphysical expressions[72] like Verbal Intercourse will also magnify desire.

Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage writes of the nineteenth-century poetic duo, Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Browning. They are the ones who penned “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways . . .” Thomas writes that Mr. and Mrs. Browning never actually saw each other entirely naked. Perhaps they knew that their sustained legendary passion would be fueled by a type of creative abstinence as well? [73] Familiarity and systematic desensitization of one another does take its toll on thinking.

Other Kinds of Nonphysical Affection that Women Want

1. Communicate with Her ― Take time during your day to phone, text or email her.[74], [75], [76] & [77] Call her when you know it is convenient for her to talk, in order to see how she is doing. [78] It will tell her that she is on your mind and that you are concerned about her welfare. Check in more frequently if you know she is struggling with something at home or at work.[79]

Spice up conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. Give her the verbal intercourse she longs for. Keep in mind that the things she chooses to talk about create strong feelings for her. Try to tune into those feelings and share your emotional assumptions of her feelings by reflecting those back to her.

Reassure your wife of your love for her by verbalizing it to her.[80] & [81] Tell her “I love you!” Don’t rely solely on the metamessages of what you do to care for her, to communicate your love. Hearing it is important too. Reassuring her of your love energizes her. [82]

Calling her before you leave work, or of your plans to stop off somewhere,[83] so that she can know when to expect you[84] will help her know when she should start worrying about you if you don’t arrive home at the time she expects. Letting her know things like this helps make life more predictable for her and tells her that you don’t want her to worry. While calling to let her know when to expect you might seem trivial, it is simply a microcosm of what she wants from you in general. What she wants from you is to keep her abreast of any changes that may impact her security. It is extremely disconcerting to be caught off-guard. Could you imagine what it would make her feel to hear someone burst through her door unannounced? She would not know whether it was you or some criminal set on harming her.

Asking your wife about how her day went after giving her a hug and kiss when you arrive home from work, [85] will tell her that you care about what creates strong feelings for her. Draw out her feelings. Gary Thomas suggests asking her:

“What is the most difficult part of your day?”

“When do you feel like just giving up?” “

“Are parts of your day monotonous?”

“Is there something you constantly fear?”

He also recommends that you take time to do an inventory of her difficulties rather than of her shortcomings. [86]

Paul David Tripp recommends in his book What Did You Expect that couples should keep short accounts with each other,[87] & [88] and not let issues continue to fester. There are likely things that you do or say that make her feel disconnected from you that have gone unmentioned. Remember that women are generally self-sacrificing and accommodating. They often defer to their husband instead of demanding from him. That likely means that there are things she has given-up on having but would really like to have from you. Invite her to vocalize any irritations or unrequited desires she has by asking:

“Honey how could I be a better husband to you?”

“Are there any hard feelings that you harbor toward me?”

“How can I make up to you things the ways I’ve hurt you or caused you to miss-out-on?

“When you feel like deferring, how can I better include you in decision making?”

Asking her things like this send her the message that you have recognized her sacrifices and understand her natural desire to negotiate, compromise, and defer in order to preserve your marriage with her. It tells her that you recognize that she has given up a lot but want to meet her somewhere in the middle by ensuring that she gets what she wants from the marriage too.[89]

Paul David Tripp also writes that he has been amazed at how little consistent and honest communication goes on between married couples. In spite of observing many couples who simply do not talk, he has found that others will only discuss logistical aspects of their life together. They rarely talk with one another in a heart-disclosing, relationship-protecting way.[90] Dan Seaborn in his book The Necessary Nine recommends that couples spend at least twenty to thirty minutes every day talking about the people and circumstances each of you have encountered. Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage reminds us that the average married couple actively communicates only twenty-seven minutes a week on average, and that couples exchange the most words on their third date with each other and the year before they divorce.[91]

While family administrative issues, such as work schedules, upcoming events, and minor challenges[92] should be a part of your conversation, you must communicate with your wife about how she feels relative to all of these topics. Dan Seaborn recommends that couples develop a relationship of vulnerability in which they can freely talk about their moods and values with each other.[93] Keeping her abreast of what is happening in your life while away from her, while sharing your assumptions of how each of you feel about all of the topics you talk about, will go a long way in satisfying Verbal Intercourse for her, as well as sending the message that you are trying to understand her feelings.

As you initiate conversations with your wife, use your sensitive awareness as to place and timing. The mall is simply not the place to conduct a serious conversation about issues in your marriage. Just before your wife leaves the house for work in the morning is not the optimal time to tell her that you don’t think she really loves you. Nor is, blurting out one of your wife’s foibles when in the presence of her friends, co-workers or family.[94]

2. Be Emotionally Supportive ― Offer encouragement when she faces something that causes strong feelings for her.

Because she is human, just as you are be ready to encourage her when she stumbles, falters or fails, and restore her with grace by treating her as a human who is no less righteous in God’s eyes than you.[95]

For example, if she is facing some unreasonable deadline at work or is just not grasping some new technology that she must know, or when she experiences setbacks and discouragement,[96] offer her encouragement and affirmation by saying something like:

“You can do it”

“I have faith in you.” [97]

“I’m praying for you.”

Or better yet pray out load right then for her.

When things are tough between the two of you, you can say,

“We will get through this.”[98]

Scott Stanley and his colleagues Howard Markman and Susan Blumberg offer other affirming phrases like:

“Things will be fine.”

“We can work it out.”

“Keep it up!”

“You’re the best.”

“I believe in you.”[99]

Many wives appreciate their husband’s ability to make them laugh―especially when they are stressed. Gary Popcak shares in his book The Exceptional Seven Percent the example of Maria who states of her husband:

“Sometimes, when I am totally fried, he’ll put his arms around me and start singing that Monty Python Song, ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’ in a hackneyed Russian accent. It’s the stupidest thing in the world, but I laugh every time.”[100]

Laughter produces strong positive feelings that help to offset any present negative ones. Reminiscing about the “good old days” of your marriage or looking at old pictures together can also bring similar benefits that help your wife continue to move forward in the face of things that are emotionally troubling.

But even more than all of that, a husband must be attentive to his wife’s potential, her giftedness, her burdens, her passion and learn how to draw out his wife’s uniqueness, to draw her to live out God’s glory in a way that no one else can or should do. [101]

Being emotionally available means that we “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15; see also 1 Corinthians 12;26; John 11:35; 2 Corinthians 11:29; Hebrews 13:3

3. Be a Good Listener ― Attentively and actively listen to what your wife says. Stop whatever you’re doing and give her your focused attention by looking lovingly in her eyes while she speaks to you.[102] Using cognitive empathy, do your best to understand the situation she is describing. Use emotional empathy to attempt to understand[103] & [104] what she must be feeling as a result of the events that she describes. Employing all of these behaviors every time she speaks will make you a good listener.

Sending her minimal encouragers like “Uh-huh”,[105] “Mmm Hmm”, “Awe” or “I’m sorry to hear that” tell her that you are empathizing with her and want to know more which makes it safe for her to elaborate further. Women release strong negative feelings by expressing those to someone who empathizes with them and who truly understands how it feels to be treated the way they were. Let her know that her feelings aren’t wrong to have. They are simply feelings. Reassure her that everything will work out.

Taking her hand to hold; or touching her warmly on the arm or shoulder while she talks,[106] is a gesture of understanding, care and concern that expedites the release of strong negative feelings.

Do not interrupt her with a lengthy comment or reprimand.[107] Hear her out. Resist the temptation to tell her how to fix what is bothering her. Just listen and empathize.[108] You may however, ask her to clarify something that does not seem clear to you by saying something like “I’m not sure I understand what you’re telling me”, “Is this…what you mean?” or “You seem to be feeling this…. about that…?”

Jesus states in John 7:24 that we should look beneath the surface messages we detect from others so that we can judge correctly. Ask Second-Tier Questions and pursue greater emotional depth in the conversations you have with your wife.[109]

Studies show that couples who have received training in communication and conflict resolution normally experience huge increases in marital satisfaction.[110]

4. Validate Her ― Acknowledge the qualities about her that make her special and important to you.[111] & [112]

Take interest in the things that interest her.[113]& [114] Become involved in what she involves herself with. Do something new with her that she wants to try.[115]

Speak highly of her in the presence of other people.[116] &[117] Most especially, those people you know she esteems or respects. Speak highly of your marriage in the presence of others. It sends a strong message of your devotion to her and that you are not open to any other romantic relationships.[118] This will help her to feel appreciated by you and secure in your love for her. It will improve her self-image and feelings of worth. Her greater self-confidence may translate into more aggressiveness in the bedroom.

Emerson Eggerichs in his book Love and Respect recommends that you validate her personally by saying things like:

“I’m so proud of the way you handled that.”

“I like your new hair-do”

“Wow, that dress really accentuates your…!” (Which is a nice way of intercepting a question

like “Does this make my butt look big?) 

In all seriousness, taking notice of the positive things she does to make herself a better person or more attractive to you should be appreciated.[119]

5. Schedule Date Nights [120] ― Make the arrangements ahead of time including movie tickets, dinner reservations and babysitters.[121] Schedule some time away from work whether morning, afternoon or evening in order to spend time with just her. You needn’t spend a great deal of money, catch a movie, go for a drive, [122] play a game[123] or just sit on a park bench and people-watch together. It is important that your time include Verbal Intercourse whereby you have both lighthearted experiences as well as intimate conversations that deal with the issues in your relationship.[124]

Couples who are thriving report that they have a regular dating ritual and go out together at least two times a month. On the other hand, couples who struggle in their relationship usually report that they rarely spend time together.[125]

As much as the family budget may allow, having extended dates every month or two, may be very helpful. Spending a full day away with one another rekindles familiarity and allows the two of you to become reacquainted which can allow both of you to let your guards down and talk more in-depth. Some possible excuses you can use to make this happen may include a shopping trip in another town, hiking at a state park or visiting a scenic landmark close by. [126] Extended dates communicate to her that you like to spend time with her and want to remove any barriers that prevent the two of you from having a great marriage together.

6. Take Her on a Vacation ― It is recommended that once or twice a year, you schedule an overnight date or a weekend/weeklong escape. It can be an anniversary present, be associated with her birthday or just because she needs a break. Make arrangements for her by renting a hotel room, cabin, or better yet a beachfront bungalow. If your family budget is too constrained to travel somewhere, arrange for the kids to stay Grandma’s house and treat your wife to a five star experience at home. However it is possible, make sure she gets some rest and relaxation.[127] Vacations send the metamessage that you want her to be recharged and refreshed. They are like a Sabbath for her soul and a sabbatical away from the hum drum everyday boredom of her workaday life. She delights in knowing that you want to periodically rescue her from her day to day stressors and pressures that she feels.

Research shows that away from the pressures of home, women are much more relaxed and more inclined to be sexual. As women experience stress their bodies produce the hormone cortisol which has a negative impact on sexual interest and performance.[128] Vacations help to alleviate this.

7. Give Her Time Off ― Give her some personal time by volunteering to watch the kids.[129] & [130]

8. Give Her Day a Hallmark Moment ― It is like a shot in the arm. Giving her a greeting card or a note expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate your feelings for her.[131] & [132] Better yet, hide a note or card somewhere you know that she will find it[133] for a wonderful surprise. Every woman in a romantic relationship expects to receive flowers, candy or a greeting card on her birthday, Valentine’s Day and wedding anniversary. While those expectations should not go unfulfilled,[134] unexpected gestures of appreciation have a greater impact than ones that are anticipated.

9. Send Her Flowers ― A bouquet of flowers is a perennial favorite of women. The beauty of flowers generates strong feelings of joy. Giving those to her says that you want her to be happy. [135] Bring her flowers once in a while for no particular reason other than to surprise her. It is always a good idea to include a card that expresses how you feel about her. [136]

Consider sending her flowers on nonromantic occasions such as: when she is sick;[137] has just received a raise or promotion at work; been recognized for volunteer efforts or from having just lost a dear friend. Your thoughtfulness will either ease her emotional pain or heighten her good feelings.

10. Give Her Gifts ― This is one of what Dr. Gary Chapman describes as the five love languages.

Make Gifts the gifts you her personal. Gifts for special occasions such as her; birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day should be sentimental, and not always practical. [138] While women do appreciate practical things like toasters and microwave ovens personal gifts touch their hearts.

Pay attention to the metamessage the gift sends. While a gift of lingerie is certainly very personal and may intend for you to say that you want her to feel sexy, often times the intended message can get misinterpreted to mean that she is not being sexual enough. A toaster or microwave may say “Keep cooking for me!” Sometimes gift giving can appear to be selfishly motivated.

As for very personal gifts like lingerie, pay attention to the audience that will see her open those. Revealing lingerie can be personally embarrassing for others to see. Giving her a gift of lingerie in an intimate moment rather than in the presence of others will tell her that you consider her feelings.

11. Take Her Out for Dinner ― Dinner out[139] & [140] alleviates the drudgery of cooking and of cleaning up later. If she performs this task by herself frequently it signals that you want to break the monotony of her routine and lighten her load.

12. Help Her with Housework ― This one is a real double-edged sword for men because domestic support is one the things they want most from a relationship. The great irony is whether to feel loved by her and let her do those things or to love her by doing some of those things for her. Helping her cook, clean[141] and do dishes[142] sends the message that she is not alone, taken for granted or that these things are only her responsbility. It helps her know that you care more about her more than you do yourself.

Women will often lament to a friend some statement like, “I don’t want to have to ask him to unload the dishwasher. I want him to see that I’m tired, and offer!”[143] Relationship experts Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver write that “Women find a man's willingness to do housework extremely erotic.”[144] Gottman goes on to say that husband’s do not have to do all of the housework in order to get credit in the housework equals sex equation. He does say that two other variables are more salient. The first is whether or not the husband does chores without having to be asked. The determining factor hinges on whether a husband can detect through his sensitive awareness, what it is that his wife most wants him to help her with. [145]

Women often have parts of their home (which is a symbol of their security) that need fixing or attention. Those “Honey-do Lists” create project opportunities to either do together[146] or to do for her. Taking care of those things lets her know that you are invested in her safety and comfort and that she is important to you.

While it is a marital cliché to say that sex begins in the kitchen, some of those old sayings really are true. A wife’s sexual passion emanates from the Verbal Intercourse she gets from her husband as he responds to her need for caring metamessages outside of the bedroom.[147]

13. Exercise Chivalry ― Most likely your wife is smaller than you. Car doors, restaurant and other commercial doors are very heavy. Even if she is not smaller, opening those for her[148] & [149] tells her that you want to make life easier for her and is just one other way to tell her that she is loved by you and cared for. Husbands who want to communicate things like this to their wives must exercise sensitive awareness and demonstrate care by anticipating her needs and meeting them.

The apostle Peter admonishes husbands to “be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (1 Pet. 3:7). Because when a husband is considerate, he will take into account what his wife needs, not what would make his life easier.[150]

14. Shop for Her ― Learning how to shop for your wife [151] will make her feel that she is special to you.

Make efforts to understand what she likes. If you take your wife shopping at all, many times women will point out what they want. Don’t expect them to say “I want this” instead listen for clues like “That dress is really cute.” Sometimes they may communicate a desire for something by saying nothing and simply touching the fabric; examining it off the rack; holding it up to themselves or simply gazing at it for a pronounced period of time. Stay on your toes for her cues by using your sensitive awareness of her behaviors that may seem slightly out of her norm. Don’t always purchase those things then and there. Make a mental note, or better yet write it down so that later you can go back and purchase it for her. Doing so will tell her that you listen and take to heart what she says to you even if―she doesn’t use words.

15. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Gregory Popcak in his book The Exceptional Seven Percent recommends that couples journal their gratitude for one another each night before bed.[152] Doing so magnifies the expressions of love that each have received that day and helps prevent either spouse from being taken for granted.

16. Study Your Wife [153] & [154] ― If you are unsure of how to show love to your wife or do not know what brand of love your wife likes best, utilizing your sensitive awareness and watching for how she loves you will generally answer that question. Many women study the future so that they are not caught off guard; they constantly attempt to discern all of the possible future needs of their family and make plans for them. [155] This is a part of how women reflect God’s image. Many women spend a great deal of time worrying about contingencies.[156] They tend to worry and feel fear about the consequences of their husband’s decisions.[157] Find out what those contingencies and fears are and take those off her plate. It will tell her how well you are trying to love her.

Exercising these attitudes and behaviors will build greater affection and communication into your relationship. My hope is that you will do them, not to manipulate your wife for sex but, because these are the things she wants from a relationship with you. As your wife’s emotional connectedness to you increases, her levels of cortisol will diminish while her levels of oxytocin and testosterone will expand thus giving the two of you huge payoffs in the bedroom. As hopefully you have been able to surmise thus far, women tend to feel safe moving sexually toward someone, who has demonstrated in a variety of ways, who really does think about her, watches out for her welfare, and actively looks for ways to care for her.[158]

Behaviors & Attitudes That Kill the Production of Oxytocin

1. Neglecting Affection ― Paul David Tripp likens marriage to a garden which will never do well if it is being neglected. If it is going to grow, change, and become increasingly healthy it will need to be cultivated. [159]

2. Invalidating Her ― Avoid comparing your wife to anyone else. Even though other women may have some attractive features like your wife does, they probably also have some negative ones that cannot be discovered unless lived with for awhile. And, like your wife, few others know what it is like to live with you and to know your shortcomings. In all fairness, no other woman can be considered within the same realm as your wife who does know your shortcomings and chooses to live with you regardless of those.[160] Judgment is essentially antisocial, which is why God did not want humans to acquire that ability. When Eve ate the fruit, the serpent was correct. Eve did become like God, she gained the ability to judge and compare. Even though women judge and compare too, they especially hate it because judgment potentially destroys relationships which is opposite their goals of preserving those.

Avoid judgments and criticisms of her sexual inabilities.[161] Calling her names like “prude” or “frigid” will not shame her into being sexual with you but will only reinforce her resolve not to be.[162]

3. Avoid Showing Contempt [163] ― Showing contempt means letting your wife see that you are disgusted by her or her actions. Contempt is the outward sign of inner hatred. There several ways of saying that to her. Rolling your eyes; shaking your head in disbelief; slapping, punching a wall or shoving her down; stonewalling her; name calling; or threatening divorce are just some of the ways that communicate contempt.[164] & [165] Gregory Popcak helps us to know what a wife sees when her husband threatens divorce. He writes:

Threatening to divorce your mate in the heat of an argument makes you look juvenile, petulant, spoiled, pathetic, whiny and contemptible. He says that while you’re at it, you might as well hold your breath until you turn blue. Not only does threatening divorce destroy your credibility it undermines your mate’s ability to trust you, damages the security of your relationship, and offends the dignity of your marriage.[166]

Denigrating your wife with contempt degrades her by making her think that she is subhuman. It is a major “put down” which makes her believe that you think she was created to be your servant.[167]

Sarcasm and teasing while an innocent part of most relationships are sometimes lighter versions of contempt. Even the most innocent joke at your wife’s expense can hurt her feelings.[168] She knows that much truth is said in jest. Be careful with negative humor because what is intended as an affectionate slap on the behind might just as easily be interpreted as a demeaning, or even abusive comment about her.[169]

Dan Allender and Tremper Longman write “It is hard to feel affection toward someone who is pointing a finger at you.”[170] Gary Thomas writes “Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over—expectations, or thanksgivings. The choice we ultimately make will result in a birth—and the child will be named either contempt, or respect.[171]

4. Pressuring Her for Sex ― Putting pressure on anyone to perform something they cannot creates anxiety. Anxiety and sexuality can rarely co-exist.

5. Being Insensitive to Her feelings ― According the Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Marital Intimacy, any insensitivity on the husbands part will activate the wife’s Safety Valve to close, thus shutting down the sexual part of their relationship.

6. Scolding Her or Expressing Anger in an Angry Way. ― Most women are willing to hear about what upsets their husbands as long as the way it is communicated is not harsh or abusive. Often times “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.”[172] Angry responses damage the affection women have for their husbands.[173] As These can accumulate over time they can eventually produce a negative sentiment.[174]

When he witnesses harsh tones, Dr. John Gottman says that he can predict with 96% accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce.[175] The Old Testament prophet Malachi tells us in chapter 2:16, that a man who clothes himself in anger is one way that a man breaks his wife’s faith in him which makes his anger the primary cause of divorce.

7. Unforgiveness ― It is virtually impossible for a wife to continually rehearse in her mind all of the perceived wrongs that her husband has perpetrated against her and still grow in affection toward him.[176]

8. Antidepressant Use ― Antidepressants work by altering the production or reuptake of neurochemicals that are cause the mind sensations of emotion. Their use has a double-edged sword effect. While they most certainly ease the existence of negative feelings of sadness associated with anxiety and depression, they also have a negative side-effect. In order to ease the negative feelings they truncate the expression of neurotransmitters associated with sadness and anxiety but to do that they also truncate the expression of positive feelings for a much more narrowed range of emotion. Since we rely on neurotransmitters like oxytocin to produce euphoric feelings of attachment, when those are unavailable or in smaller quantity we lose the impact they are supposed to have. Women who rely on antidepressants to eliminate anxiety and sadness may eventually lose their abilities to generate sexual desire which, according to the Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Marital Intimacy, will eventually have a huge impact on their ability to relate to their husband and have detrimental effects on their marriage.

In addition to the importance of being able to generate sexual desire, just like stress and anxiety, sexuality cannot exist in the face of cruel humor, blunt criticism, name-calling, neglect (benign or malignant), abuse, or other affronts to one’s personal dignity It also cannot exist as long as either of you has any sense that you are being used by your mate as a mere object for their gratification.[177]

Something to Grieve

Speaking to husbands for a moment, if your wife has ever tried to hold your hand; asked you to go for a walk with her or take her out to dinner that tells me that you are not getting all of the sex from her that she wants you to have. When you learn to read the metamessages behind those requests then you will know that what she is really asking you to do is to help her create oxytocin-filled experiences so that she can generate the testosterone necessary for her to have sexual feelings toward you. Once that is understood then it becomes obvious that she wants to develop these feelings because she is scared. Despite the sheer enjoyment of affection from you, her fear is that if she is not sexual enough for you that you will begin to look for it somewhere else. Because you are so important to her, she is afraid of losing you. If you decline to do the things she asks for then you are missing out on sex. This really is something for you to grieve. How sad it is that she has asked so many times in the past for what will help her to be sexual―times that you have ignored or dismissed―that have gone unfulfilled for her. Times when the two of you could have done those things and then made love sometime afterward. How many times have you lay awake at night stewing and fuming over her lack of sexuality or seeming frigidity? Whose fault is it―if she’s asked for affection―maybe it’s yours? Perhaps she thinks that you know that she is asking for sex by asking for a date night or a long walk together? If so, then how many times has she felt sexually rejected by you? If that has happened then all of those times when affection was failed to be given are truly a loss―as well as something to grieve.

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Works Cited:

[1] The bigger the better? Arousal and attributional responses to erotic stimuli that depict different-size penises, William A. Fisher, N. R. Branscombe, & C. R. Lemery, The Journal of Sex Research, 19, 1983. (pp. 377-396). In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 135).

[2] The physiology of erotica: Women’s sexual arousal, Julia Heiman, Psychology Today, 8, 1975. (pp. 90-94)., In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 135).

[3] Rhythms of desire: The association between menstrual cycle phases and female sexual desire, P. C. Regan, The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 5, 1996. (pp. 145-146)., In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 125).

[4] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 125).

[5] Ibid.

[6] The Social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States. E. Laumann, J. Gagnon, R. Michael and S. Michaels, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994. In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 302).

[7] Sexuality in close relationships. S. Sprecher and K. McKinney, 1994. In A. Weber and J. Harvey (Eds.) Perspectives on close relationships (pp.193-216) Boston: Allyn & Bacon. In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 302).

[8] The Social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States. E. Laumann, J. Gagnon, R. Michael and S. Michaels, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994. In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000 (p. 302).

[9] Sexuality in close relationships. S. Sprecher and K. McKinney, 1994. In A. Weber and J. Harvey (Eds.) Perspectives on close relationships (pp.193-216) Boston: Allyn & Bacon. In Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 302).

[10] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 290).

[11] Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, Morton Hunt, The Research Guild, Inc., Playboy, October, 1973. (p. 88)., In Howard J. Clinebell, Jr., (Ed.), Growth Counseling for Mid-Years Couples, Retrieved 12/11/14 from: http://www.religion-online.org/showchapter.asp?title=413&C=210.

[12] The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michelle Weiner Davis, In Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, (Eds.) Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 270).

[13] The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (p. 91).

[14] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (p. 53).

[15] Ibid.

[16] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 45-55).

[17] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 44).

[18] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 74).

[19]Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 220).

[20] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 45-55).

[21] Ibid.

[22] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (p. 50).

[23] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 156).

[24] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 44).

[25] Ibid.

[26] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (pp. 347-349).

[27] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 35).

[28] Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, Julia R. Heiman, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (pp. 143-144).

[29] Ibid.

[30] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato, United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 51-52).

[31] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (pp. 246-247).

[32] Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, James K. Childerston, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).

[33] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato, United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 104-105).

[34] Ibid.

[35] Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, James K. Childerston, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).

[36] Ibid. (p. 15).

[37] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato, United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 49-50).

[38] Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs that Affect Sexual Functioning, T. Crenshaw, & J. Goldberg, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1996. In James K. Childerston, (Ed.), Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 15).

[39] Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, James K. Childerston, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).

[40] Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, Julia R. Heiman, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 120).

[41] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (pp.253-254).

[42] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (pp. 101-102).

[43] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 51-52).

[44] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[45] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[46] Ibid. (p. 38).

[47] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 246).

[48] The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (pp.67-69).

[49] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[50] Ibid.

[51] Ibid.

[52] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 182).

[53] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[54] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 246).

[55] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 53-54).

[56] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[57] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 74-76).

[58] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (p. 138).

[59] The effects of sympathetic activation following acute exercise on physiological and subjective sexual arousal in women, C. M. Meston and B. B. Gorzalka, Behaviour Research and Therapy, 33, 1995. (pp. 651-664). In Female Sexual Arousal Disorder, Chapter 4, Barbara Bartlik & James Goldberg, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 90).

[60] Finding Passion After 50: The Second Spring of Love, David Arp and Claudia Arp, Christian Counseling Connection, Volume 19 Issue 3, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2013. (p. 7).

[61] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 53-54).

[62] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[63] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 243).

[64] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 51-52).

[65] The Female Erotic Brain, Mapped, Maia Szalavitz, Time.com, 2011. Retrieved 01/13/2016 from: http://healthland.time.com/2011/08/16/the-female-erotic-brain-mapped/.

[66] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 51-52).

[67] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[68] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 53-54).

[69] Ibid. (p. 108).

[70] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[71] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (p. 138).

[72] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[73] Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 57).

[74] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (pp. 39 & 42).

[75] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 51-52).

[76] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (pp. 240, 243& 245).

[77] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (p. 138).

[78] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[79] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 244).

[80] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[81] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 164).

[82] Ibid.

[83] Ibid.

[84] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[85] Ibid.

[86] Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 66).

[87] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 81).

[88] Ibid. (p. 164).

[89] Ibid.

[90] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 161).

[91] Conjugal Spirituality: The Primacy of Mutual Love in Christian Tradition, Mary Anne McPherson Oliver, Kansas City: Sheed and Ward, 1994. (p. 126). In Gary Thomas, (Ed.), Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 154).

[92] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 74-76).

[93] Ibid. (pp. 131-132).

[94] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 161).

[95] Ibid. (p. 39).

[96] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (pp. 39-41).

[97] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 240).

[98] Ibid.

[99] Ibid.

[100] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 178).

[101] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (p.45).

[102] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Franci​sco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 245).

[103] Ibid.

[104] Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 154).

[105] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 245).

[106] Ibid. (p. 245).

[107] Ibid. (p. 262).

[108] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 131-132).

[109] Ibid.

[110] Ibid. (p. 143).

[111] Ibid. (pp. 51-52).

[112] Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 228).

[113] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 175).

[114]Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 154).

[115] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 81).

[116] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 113-114).

[117] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 81).

[118] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 113-114).

[119] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 182).

[120] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[121] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 245).

[122] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 74-76).

[123] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[124] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 74-76).

[125] Ibid. (pp. 69-70).

[126] Ibid.

[127] Ibid.

[128] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (p. 52).

[129] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 51-52).

[130] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 46).

[131] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[132] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 240).

[133] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 41).

[134] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (pp. 177-178).

[135] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[136] Ibid. (p. 42).

[137] Fighting For Your Marriage, 3rd Ed., Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2010. (p. 241).

[138] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[139] Ibid. (pp. 39 & 42).

[140] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 74-76).

[141] Ibid. (pp. 51-52).

[142] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[143] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (p. 88).

[144] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999. (p. 205).

[145] Ibid. (p. 211).

[146] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 194-196).

[147] Ibid. (pp. 106-107).

[148] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 39).

[149] Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs, Emerson Eggerichs, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. (p. 182).

[150] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (pp.187-188).

[151] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.), Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 42).

[152] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 166).

[153] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 131-132).

[154] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 194).

[155] Helper By Design: Gods Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage, Elyze Fitzpatrick, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003. (pp. 39-41).

[156] Ibid.

[157] Ibid. (p. 149).

[158] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (pp. 38-39).

[159] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 157).

[160] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 113-114).

[161] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 136).

[162] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (pp. 38-39).

[163] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (p.11).

[164] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (pp. 11-13).

[165] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999. (p. 29).

[166] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (pp. 150-151).

[167] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (p.27).

[168] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 179).

[169] Ibid. (p. 136).

[170] Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life, Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995. (p.49).

[171]Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 67).

[172] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (p. 148).

[173] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (p. 88).

[174] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999. (pp. 20& 42).

[175] Ibid. (p. 161).

[176] What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp, Wheaton: Crossway, 2010. (pp. 38-39).

[177] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 197).

The Role of Affection Page

Mikel Kelly, MA, LMHC

AACC World Conference

Nashville, TN

September 24, 2015

Introducing:

The Genesis 2:24

Cycle of Marital Intimacy

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24 — NIV

CYCLE OF INTIMACY

MAP:

Cycle of Intimacy Home :

Foreword

Cycle of Intimacy Basics

Marriage Parameters

Cycle of Intimacy Overview 

Cycle of Intimacy Step by Step :

His Heart

Her Love Gauge

Verbal Intercourse

Her Heart

Her Safety Valve

His Love Gauge

Magnitude of Desire

The Role of Affection

Sexual Intercourse

His Safety Valve

The 1st Sign Cognitive Drift

The 2nd Sign Sensual Drift

The 3rd Sign W-N-P-S Sub-Cycle

The 4th Sign His Frustration

The 5th Sign Her Frustration

His Pressure Relief

Her Pressure Relief

Cycle of Intimacy Genesis

Heading Quote:

[1] The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, New York: Citadel Press, 2000. (p. 20).