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Professional Christian Counseling

                Emotionally Focused...Solution Driven Counseling

  Bulding Healthy Marriages and Strong Families


It is spiritual fraud to enter marriage and then live like a single man or woman.

—Gary Thomas[1]

A Basic Description

The Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Intimacy

Posted 1/16/2016

At position 1, representing the Husband’s Heart, is where a man’s desire to connect with a woman must begin to emanate from his attraction to her. It represents the sincere, heartfelt love and concern that he must display in order to captivate her heart in order for her to become his wife.

The completion of the process of dating which culminates in a marital bond is what results in the Wife’s Heart shown at position 3. Since the human heart is always in a state of flux, married couples are always either growing closer to one another or further apart. While the dating process establishes some measure of emotional unity, as a couple maintains the Cycle of Marital Intimacy they are always in the process of becoming more and more ”emotionally united.”

In between the positions of a Husband’s Heart and his Wife’s Heart is the wife’s Love Gauge at position 2. Her Love Gauge is wrapped up in women’s intuition that tells her about the state of her relationship. Her Love Gauge controls the activation of her Safety Valve at position 4.  

A wife’s Safety Valve can get tripped if she believes that her husband’s attempts to touch her heart are merely flattery or are designed to manipulate her feelings about him. If she does not perceive them as genuine then she may not be able to give herself fully to him physically. When a woman detects a sexual scam in the works, her Safety Valve shuts down her positive feelings for him―and sex in the process.

Men also have a Safety Valve that can shut down sex as well. It is the male counterpart to the ability to perceive sincerity and genuineness from a spouse. It works a little differently than a woman’s though. Most men are quick to point out, like women, that they have difficulty initiating sex without feeling a strong emotional bond to their spouse. Unlike women, their valve generally comes into play during sex―or in the acts preceding it. Men have intuition too and just like their wives their valve is based on what their Love Gauge tells them about their wife’s attitude toward sex. A man can usually tell when his wife does not want or is not enjoying sex. Men can smell “obligatory” or “dutiful” sex a mile away and they often want nothing to do with it.

What this all means is that God designed a double fail-safe into relationships. If the woman’s Safety Valve is faulty, which some are, and does not prevent sex from starting, then the man’s valve should stop sex from being completed. With no ejaculation, the chances of a child being born into a relationship where the husband is less concerned about his wife’s feelings and the wife is less than passionate about sex, makes it less likely that they will have children. Both valves are designed to protect children from being born with unstable, self-centered or unloving parents. Without a mother and father loving each other and performing their role in the family, children are not as likely to be born and to grow-up to become dysfunctional adults themselves. Thus, when men and women ignore their Safety Valves and have sex anyway, this can negatively affect the multiple generations that follow, which of course, God is vehemently against.

This concept is depicted graphically in the same location on each page. For handy reference it will always be found in the upper right-hand side of each page as a sort of road map to help you see where in the cycle each part we will talk about fits in the grand scheme of the whole. It is here that I would like to add a word about this diagram. While it may initially look simplistic, thereby tempting you to dismiss it as such, please keep in mind that we will be adding more components to it as we go along thus making it increasingly complex. In order to get the most understanding out of it, we must hold this basic cycle in mind.

Works Cited:

Intimacy Basics Page

The Birds and Bees Talk 

You've Never Heard...

Mikel Kelly, MA, LMHC

AACC World Conference

Nashville, TN

September 24, 2015


The Genesis 2:24

Cycle of Marital Intimacy

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24 — NIV



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Heading Quote:

[1] Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?, Gary Thomas, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. (p. 250).