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Emotionally Focused...Solution Driven Counseling
Bulding Healthy Marriages and Strong Families
COUNSELOR PAGES
Cycle Genesis
A Family Tradition
How the Cycle of Intimacy Began
This is a photo of my father Duane Kelly who worked as a journeyman plumber most of his life. He is pictured here honoring his parents by installing indoor running water for the first time in their home. Up until that point they used a hand pump and outside toilet facilities. As a society, we have come a long way in just a few generations.
By first engaging me into his work as a young boy, he taught me two very important things. First he taught me how to work and secondly, he taught me how things work.
He taught me about plumbing systems, pipes, valves, pipe fittings and drains. From learning the principles of plumbing, I learned about how water flow worked as a system while in the process gaining insight into pressure and vacuum. I learned that without proper plumbing vents, drains will not function properly. Without water traps in drain lines dangerous sewer gasses can enter into living spaces that can make people sick.
The Cycle of Marital Intimacy equates quite well to the flowing plumbing systems my father taught me. In honor of my father, who passed away the 9th of September 2008, the Cycle is depicted here with the pipes, valves and pressure relief systems that he knew so well.
Duane Kelly, ca. 1962
Pictured here at a plumbers trade show in Indianapolis my father is advocating for an apprenticeship training program to help other men gain valuable skills.
Born to Advocate
Mikel Kelly, September 24, 2015.
Pictured here at the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), World Conference at the Opryland Hotel and Convention Center, in Nashville, Tennessee, as Duane's son, I am advocating for another kind of training regarding married couples. In spite of joining the Marriage Movement only since the mid 1990s, and after dedicating the last twenty years to educating myself about marriage, it is my hope that The Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Marital Intimacy will significantly increase the understanding and advancement of healthy Biblical marriages and the national Marriage Movement as well.
A Brief History of the Marriage Movement
The United States national marriage movement began shortly after the adoption of ”no fault divorce” legislation in 1969. The first state to enact this streamlined form of divorce was California. It was signed into law by then governor — Ronald Regan.[2]
By signing that bill, Regan most assuredly must have been unaware that he was signing the death certificates of tens of millions of unborn children. As other millions of women were losing the security of marriage, that they needed in which to raise their children, many cried foul by pushing for abortion. The cry reached a fever pitch in 1973 when under the guise of women’s health[3] abortion became legal in all 50 states via the infamous Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade decided on Jan. 22, 1973.[4] Truth be known, women exchanged abortion for their loss of marital security. Ironically it was president Regan who would later be responsible for proclaiming the third Sunday of every year as national “Sanctity of Life Day” with January 22, 1984 being the inaugural day.[5] Coinciding with the eleventh anniversary of Roe v. Wade, President Regan was perhaps making an attempt to rectify what he had inadvertently started as governor.
Not only is abortion a third tier outcome of family fragmentation, but so are increases in poverty,[6] cohabitation, out-of-wedlock births,[7] breast cancer,[8] homosexuality,[9] drugs,[10] bullying,[11] violence and crime[12]. All of which increase taxpayer expenditure through the need for larger police forces, prisons and welfare while at the same time eliminating the addition of new taxpayers. In a 2008 study, economist Benjamin Scafidi and his colleagues have estimated that the outcomes of family fragmentation cost U.S. taxpayers $112 billion annually.[13] 2015 republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has pointed out that 71% of the federal budget now goes to debt service and social services.[14] In essence the U.S. government has taken upon itself to provide the security of what marriages should supply at much greater expense than father-headed families can provide for themselves. Not only are there economic costs but losses in personal discipline and respect for authority that has resulted in the “jumpiness” and “apparent overreaction” of police officers as they attempt to deal with more belligerent individuals who do not show respect for them.[15] As studies show and 1Corinthians 7:10 reveals that women are the most likely to initiate divorce,[16] this seems like a huge price to pay so that no woman has to provide good reason for wanting a divorce from her husband.
While many people knew intuitively back in 1969 that divorce and the fragmentation of families would be bad, there was not much information available at that time to prove it. Possibly the most notable opponent of that era was democratic Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan who prepared a report vehemently opposing it in 1965.[17]
Consequently no-fault divorce has offered possibly the most comprehensive social experiment to date resulting in volumes of research that supports Moynihan's beliefs. Once this data began pouring in (out of goals to ameliorate the consequences of divorce) the Marriage Movement finally gained traction. Beginning with researchers like David Blankenhorn and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead in the early 1990s along with Sara McClanahan's groundbreaking research in the late 1990s which was based on data from several studies including; the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, Panel Study of Income Dynamics, High School and Beyond Study, and the National Survey of Families and Households,[18] no longer could advocates of divorce say or believe that there was no harm to children.[19] Not until about the year 2000 was enough information disseminated to grass roots individuals did the Marriage Movement gain a strong foothold. A major reason for the 30 year lull was that not enough time had elapsed for those injuries to become apparent. Longitudinal family studies had to be completed before that could be discovered. Other than identifying initial separation anxieties and depression in the children of family fragmentation who had been the first to experience divorce in the 70s, most children will not display the full effects of father absence until their late teens or early twenties with greater consequences not showing up until much later in life. Furthermore, while divorce has always been a social phenomenon, it was not a known social force en masse, until the mid nineties when people began noticing a correlation between dysfunctional children and family fragmentation.
Born to Challenge Present Day Thinking
Alexander Leighton (1568-1649)
Participating in such grass root efforts as the Marriage Movement appears to be a part of who I am because doing so comes very natural to me. And, being a part of cutting-edge movements was something my ancestors participated in.
While the Kelly–Yancey families reached a low point in their histories a few generations back by displaying such dysfunctions as alcoholism, domestic abuse and faithlessness, my father and mother began a restoration. Even though our family had lost sight of from where they came, my parents performed a mighty work of putting a stop to those things by loving each other and giving their children a reason for faith in God. Through their hard work and perseverance they created an opportunity for me to carry the baton of restoration further. It wasn’t until my wife Sandy and I joined the present craze in genealogy, did I realize how far our family had fallen.
We discovered that we share a great grandfather Josiah Barker (1685-1761), who was her 8th great grandfather and my 7th, which we have fun telling others that fact makes us “kissin-cousins.” Once discovering him in our tree we were thrilled to find out that he married Faith Washington, the niece of our fledgling nation's first president, George Washington. In discovering other family members, it is especially dear to me to know that I am the 10th great grandson of Alexander Leighton.
My grandfather Alexander Leighton (pictured in a wood engraving above) was a Scottish medical doctor and puritan preacher. He was best known for his book Sion’s Plea against the Prelacie which was published in Holland in 1628 which led to his imprisonment and torture by King Charles I. While Alexander’s father exercised his faith in the form of Roman Catholicism, Alexander took exception to its tenets and subsequently challenged those through grievances listed in his book thus enjoining himself to the protestant movement and church Reformation sometime after Martin Luther’s Disputation on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences (commonly known as The 95 Theses) of 1517.
Through that ordeal; Alexander lost both ears; had both nostrils sliced open; was branded on both cheeks with the letters “SS” standing for “Sower of Sedition” was put in irons in solitary confinement in an unheated and uncovered cell for fifteen weeks, in which the rain and snow could beat in upon him;[1] and was permanently banned from further practice of medicine.[2] Historian William James Durant notes that Leighton also “was tied to a stake and received thirty-six stripes with a heavy cord upon his naked back; he was placed in the pillory for two hours in November's frost and snow.
He was only released from jail when his son Robert was ordained as a Minister at Newbattle.[3] Eventually the Long Parliament released him from prison in 1640, where they cancelled his fine, and paid him 6000 pounds for his suffering. In 1642, Leighton was appointed Keeper of Lambeth House, which had been converted into a prison.[4]
While torturing or punishing someone for their beliefs should never be condoned, Alexander’s convictions for the pursuit of truth―also resonates in me. He was not afraid of speaking up and speaking out against injustices even at personal cost and peril―nor do I fear that. He was a man of learning and open to thinking in new and more efficacious ways―I strive for that as well.
Born to Value Education
Robert Leighton (1611-1684)
Pictured here in an engraving made by S. Freeman and published in the 1800's by Blackie,[20] is son of Alexander and my 10th great-uncle. Robert was a Scottish prelate and scholar. He was best known as a church minister, a Bishop of Dunblane, an Archbishop of Glasgow, and a Principal of the University of Edinburgh.[21] At age sixteen in the year 1627, he began studies at the University of Edinburgh, where, with distinguished success for four years, he was awarded the degree of M.A. in 1631. His father then sent him to travel abroad, where he spent several years in France. While there he acquired a complete mastery of the French language.[22] During some visit to France he encountered members of the Jansenist Party. Likely remembering the persecutions his father endured for his beliefs and scripture that calls us to not look down on others, these attitudes led him to charity towards those who differed from him in religious opinion, which ever afterwards formed a feature in his character. Even though his grandfather practiced Catholicism, in 1641 he was ordained Presbyterian minister of Newbattle in Midlothian.[23]
"Early in 1653 he was appointed principal of the University of Edinburgh, and primarius professor of divinity. A considerable number of his Latin prelections and other addresses (published after his death) are remarkable for the purity and elegance of their Latinity, and their subdued and meditative eloquence. They are valuable instructions in the art of living a holy life rather than a body of scientific divinity. Throughout, however, they bear the marks of a deeply learned and accomplished mind, saturated with both classical and patristic reading, and like all his works they breathe the spirit of one who lived very much above the world. In 1661, when Charles II had resolved to force Episcopacy once more upon Scotland, he fixed upon Leighton for one of his bishops. Leighton, living very much out of the world, and being somewhat deficient in what may be called the political sense, was too open to the persuasions used to induce him to enter a sphere for which he instinctively felt he was ill qualified. It is significant that he always refused to be addressed as "my lord", and it is stated that when dining with his clergy on one occasion he wished to seat himself at the foot of the table. None of his works were published by himself, and it is stated that he left orders that all his manuscripts should be burned after his death. But fortunately for the world this charge was disregarded. No perfectly satisfactory edition of Leighton's works exists,"[24] although an extant copy of his works compiled by John Norman Pearson M.A. of Trinity College, Cambridge and can be found in the Harvard University Library of the School of Divinity.[25]
Holding Fast to the Supremacy of Scripture
Rev. James O'Kelly (1735-1826)
Pictured here is James my 1st cousin 6 generations removed. James is founder of the O'Kelly Movement whose followers were called "Kellyites" until they began calling themselves "Christians." Along with Barton W. Stone, Alexander Campbell and many others, James is considered one of the instrumental persons of the Christian Restoration Movement here in America.
Born to Labor for Christ
Elijah O'Kelley (1800-1884)
Pictured here leaning on his walking cane and clutching his Bible, is Elijah my 4th great-uncle. Elijah was one of the historic men of Arkansas. Born in Jackson county, Tenn., his father Giles moved to Illinois in 1804, and to Arkansas in 1815, eventually settling on Wolf creek, in Pike county. Elijah was a member of the first Constitutional Convention of the State of Arkansas, and was a three time representative of his county in the State legislature. E.R. Childers writes, "to the entire satisfaction of all parties."
He always made his living by farming, and in his 84th year, produced one bale of cotton weighing 525 pounds, picking it all himself.
He accepted the Gospel on the 22nd day of July, 1824 and began to preach for the Disciples in 1826. In 1833 he organized a church on Wolf creek, calling it Antioch. During his time it was the oldest church in Arkansas. He continued to be one of its elders until his death.
He delighted in being instrumental in the "conversion of many souls" and the building up of many churches around him. Almost all of his children and grandchildren became members of the Christian Church, and he gained the respect of all, both in and out of the church. Shortly before his death E. R. Childers writes, "I spent a night with him recently, and it did my soul good to have him recount the conflicts of the early years of his ministry. He is doubtless the oldest preacher today among the Disciples in the United States. He is full of honors and is ready for the Master.[26]
O'Kelly Family Crest
The O'Kelly name with all of its variations are anglicized forms of the original Gaelic clan name. The banner below the enfield contains the Irish family motto "Ta Dia Dam Tor Laidir" which most often appears in the Latin form "Turris fortis mihi Deus" which translated into English means:
"God is my tower of Strength"
Please check back again soon!
Works Cited:
[1] From Family Collapse to America’s Decline: The Educational, Economic, and Social Costs of Family Fragmentation, Mitch Pearlstein, Lanham: Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2011. (p. 36).
[2] Abortion in America, Alan Sears, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 19, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2011. (p. 23).
[3] Celebrating Life in a Culture of Disregard, e-team, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 19, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2011. (p. 8).
[4] Proclamation 5147 -- National Sanctity of Human Life Day, President Ronald Regan, 1984, Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1984/11384c.htm.
[5] Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age, Kay Hymowitz, Chicago: Ivan R. Dee, 2006. (pp. 4-5) In Mitch Pearlstein, (Ed.), From Family Collapse to America’s Decline: The Educational, Economic, and Social Costs of Family Fragmentation, Lanham: Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2011. (p. 82).
[6] Effects of Family Instability, Income, and Income Instability on the Risk of Premarital Birth, Lawrence L. Wu, American Sociological Review, 61, (1996), 344-359. James Dobson, (Ed.) Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next generation of Men, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001. (pp. 64-65).
[7] Abortion in America, Alan Sears, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 19, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2011. (p. 25).
[8] Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study of Male Homosexuals, I. Bieber et al., New York: Basic Books, 1982., James Dobson, (Ed.) Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next generation of Men, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001. (p. 122).
[9] Children of Divorce Struggle with Marriage, Karen S. Peterson, Gannett News Service, 25 October 2000. James Dobson, (Ed.) Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next generation of Men, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001. (p. 64).
[10] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999. (p. 6).
[11] Children of Divorce Struggle with Marriage, Karen S. Peterson,Gannett News Service, 25 October 2000. James Dobson, (Ed.) Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next generation of Men, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001. (p. 64).
[12] The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever estimates for the Nation and All Fifty States, Institute for American Values et al., 2008. In Mitch Pearlstein, (Ed.), From Family Collapse to America’s Decline: The Educational, Economic, and Social Costs of Family Fragmentation, Lanham: Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2011. (p. 71).
[13] Chris Christie And Mike Huckabee Exchange Blows On Social Security: Their debate marks a rift within the Republican field on the popular social insurance program, Daniel Marans, Huffington Post, Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/chris-christie-and-mike-huckabee-exchange-blows-on-social-security_55c418e8e4b0923c12bc65d0.
[14] Delaware police shoot man in wheelchair; his relatives ask why, Greg Botelho and Joseph Netto, CNN, Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/25/us/delaware-police-shoot-man-wheelchair/index.html.
[15] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 308).
[16] One by One from the Inside Out, Glenn Loury, New York: Free Press, 1995. (p. 257)., In Mitch Pearlstein, (Ed.), From Family Collapse to America’s Decline: The Educational, Economic, and Social Costs of Family Fragmentation, Lanham: Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2011. (p. 2).
[17] Father Absence and the Welfare of Children, Sara McClanahan, Macarthur Research Networks, n.d.
[18] From Family Collapse to America’s Decline: The Educational, Economic, and Social Costs of Family Fragmentation, Mitch Pearlstein, Lanham: Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2011. (p. 7).
[18] Did the High Commission Court Have Any Influence on the KJV?, catholicapologetics.net. 2007. Archived from the original on 7 December 2006. Retrieved 6 January 2007. Retrieved 9/26/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Leighton.
[19] Leighton, Alexander: Physicians and Irregular Medical Practitioners in London 1550–1640: Database 2004. British History Online, 2007. Retrieved 5 January 2007., Retrieved 9/26/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Leighton.
[20] A brief biography of Robert Leighton". Newbattle Focus. 2007. Archived from the original on 11 October 2008. Retrieved 5 January 2007., Retrieved 9/26/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Leighton.
[21] The Yancey-Leighton Connection, Garland Branch, Niskayuna: ca. 1980.
Retrieved 9/26/2015 from: http://yanceyfamilygenealogy.org/leighton.htm.
[22] Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.123rf.com/photo_9247125_robert-leighton-1611-1684-on-engraving-from-the-1800s-scottish-prelate-and-scholar-best-known-as-a-c.html.
[23] Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.123rf.com/photo_9247125_robert-leighton-1611-1684-on-engraving-from-the-1800s-scottish-prelate-and-scholar-best-known-as-a-c.html.
[24] Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.123rf.com/photo_9247125_robert-leighton-1611-1684-on-engraving-from-the-1800s-scottish-prelate-and-scholar-best-known-as-a-c.html.
[25] Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.123rf.com/photo_9247125_robert-leighton-1611-1684-on-engraving-from-the-1800s-scottish-prelate-and-scholar-best-known-as-a-c.html.
[26] Retrieved 9/27/2015 from: http://www.123rf.com/photo_9247125_robert-leighton-1611-1684-on-engraving-from-the-1800s-scottish-prelate-and-scholar-best-known-as-a-c.html.
[27] The Whole Works of Robert Leighton D. D., Archbishop of Glasgow, To which is prefixed, A life of the author, John Norman Pearson M.A., New York: Robert Carter Brothers, 1859., Retrieved 9/29/2015 from: https://books.google.com/books?id=USsNAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA7&dq=alexander+leighton+family&lr=&hl=en#v=onepage&q=alexander%20leighton%20family&f=false.
[28] James O’Kelly (1736?-1826), J. Timothy Allen, Asheboro: n.d., North Carolina History Project, Retrieved 9/29/2015 from: http://www.northcarolinahistory.org/encyclopedia/153/entry.
[29] James O’Kelley and Anna and Elizabeth Dean, Rick O’Kelley, O’Kelley Net., Retrieved 9/2/2011 from: http://okelley.net/b3528.htm.
[30] James O’Kelley and Anna and Elizabeth Dean, Rick O’Kelley, O’Kelley Net., Retrieved 9/2/2011 from: http://okelley.net/b3528.htm.
[31] Patriarch, E.R. Childers, The Christian Standard, April 26, 1884. (p. 130).
Genesis of the Cycle Page
The Birds and Bees Talk
You've Never Heard...
Introducing:
The Genesis 2:24
Cycle of Marital Intimacy
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24 — NIV
CYCLE OF INTIMACY
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Heading Quote:
[1] Counseling Theories and Techniques: A Brief Overview & Christian Perspective, Siang-Yang Tan, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 18, No. 4, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2012. (p. 44).