Intimacy Her Safety Valve

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COUNSELOR PAGES

Her Safety Valve

When She Doesn't Feel Loved

Revised 10/30/2015

If you have read the previous steps of the Cycle of Intimacy then it should be readily apparent by now that women communicate through metamessages. This is especially true when they believe that what they want to say will be difficult for other people to hear or may be embarrassing to herself or others if it were said out loud. Because women are significantly more emotional than men, they know how badly it feels to be criticized, accused or rejected to a much higher degree than a man would feel. Therefore, women adjust their style of communication in such a way as to protect the feelings of other’s thus preserving relationships in the process. The only way a person can accomplish those goals and still get their message across is to intimate what they want to say by using implications and innuendos hoping that the listener will be able to interpolate what is trying to be communicated. To communicate in this indirect manner often requires more talking until feedback from the listener acknowledges that they “got it” thus communicating understanding. A woman’s indirectness versus directness will ebb and flow with rises and falls in her production of estrogen versus testosterone. Theoretically then, her greatest indirectness and verbosity should occur during childbearing years, when estrogen is at its highest, and as life pressures mount near midlife. Furthermore it can also fluctuate with her monthly cycle. She might become very direct when estrogen is low during menstruation. Because of fluctuations across her life span, making measurements of exactly how many words women speak versus men would be very difficult to measure accurately.

Even though women intimate messages with their words, words are not the only way that a metamessage is able to be communicated. Facial expression, tone-of-voice and body position are common modes as well. Researchers say that this form of communication accounts for about 70% of the content of conversation.[1] If you recall from the Family Planning Perspectives study concerning the paradox of sexually active girls, then you will remember that an overwhelming number of them were concerned about how to say “no” to sex without hurting their boyfriend’s feelings. It was implied that an inability to say ‘no” was the reason why unmarried girls have sex and end up getting pregnant. Perhaps in considering the sexual disorders of dyspareunia and vaginismus, it may be that these sexual pain disorders represent one way of sending a metamessage as well. Perhaps the pain she feels is helping her to say “no” to unwanted sex. In order to ascertain the validity of that question, we must first discuss how sexual appetite works.

The biological desire for sex, in both genders, comes from the hormone testosterone. The effects of testosterone produce “lustful” feelings and sexual “pangs” when levels are high. The more a person has of it the greater their appetite and desire for sex will be. Apart from testosterone, sexual arousal and desire can be generated in other more subjective ways that mostly come from external sexual cues and stimuli such as erotic[2] or frightful[3] situations. Vigorous exercise also activates the sympathetic nervous system and can work to arouse a woman as well.[4] Researchers have discovered however that many women are not aware of their physical arousal.[5] Alternatively the erections that men experience cannot escape their attention.

Women typically produce only one-twentieth as much testosterone as men do.[6] And, the smaller amount that women do have is not always available to motivate them sexually. It has been known now for only about fifty years now that estrogen producing globulin binds to free testosterone thus neutralizing its effect.[7] Since the hormone estrogen neutralizes testosterone, that means that it does not increase a woman’s’ desire for sex, like testosterone does, but actually suppresses it.

The majority of testosterone that a woman’s body produces is manufactured through peripheral conversion of androstenedione which accounts for roughly half of her overall production with the remaining amounts being equally produced in both the ovaries and the adrenal cortex of the brain.[8]

It appears that even a 25% reduction in ovarian testosterone can have a major impact on the sexual appetites of women as those who have hysterectomies often lose their appetites for sex.[9] Women produce large quantities of estrogen while men produce much smaller amounts.

Estrogen and testosterone produce two other characteristics in men and women. Testosterone makes people more aggressive while estrogen does the exact opposite. Instead of elevating aggressiveness it makes people more accommodating. An excellent example of this is found in auto racing. While men and women have similar driving skills, aggressiveness and risk-taking make the difference in winning. Theoretically while a woman may be able to compete with men based on skill, due to lower levels of testosterone and aggressiveness, men should win more races. Higher levels of estrogen would make her more accommodating thus causing her to finish near the end of the pack. Her chances of winning would be most likely then during menstruation when estrogen is at its lowest.

In a relationship the hormones of testosterone and estrogen cause men and women to display complimentarity with each other. You may already be able to see a problem. The varying amounts of hormone in each gender create differences in appetite for sex/no-sex and aggressive/accommodation which create a recipe for disappointment, frustration and conflict in relationship between a husband and wife. One partner is pressing on the gas while the other has their foot on the brake.

Marianne J. Legato MD, FACP writes, “Many women tell me that problems in the bedroom arise when they don’t feel intimate with their mates. Sometimes you have to make intimacy happen—and accept that this is a process that may take place over a couple of days.”[10] Hopefully you can detect in the metamessage of Dr. Legato’s statement, both the references to lower female sexual desire and the idea of accommodation. Even though women do not experience frequent strong sexual urges from testosterone, the larger amounts of estrogen that suppresses their appetite for sex can actually allow them to be open to it even though they are unlikely to initiate it. Women are nurturing[11] by nature. A woman’s openness to sex, and to a lesser degree for men, is based on relationship. As a prerequisite to sex, a woman must have an emotional connection established before estrogen allows her to accommodate that. Dr. Legato quotes Rosemary Basson, FRCP, in this way:

The biological drive to have sex is not nearly as strong in females as is that to nourish and protect offspring and that women go to bed as much out of a desire for an intimate connection to another human being as for simple lust. She further proposed that the sexual exchange for women doesn’t begin with sexual arousal, but with a desire for increased emotional intimacy. It is this desire that persuades women to engage in sex.[12]

A striking example of this gender difference was found in two studies conducted by Russell Clark and Elaine Hatfield. In these experiments, male and female imposters of average attractiveness approached students on a college campus and said, “I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be very attractive.” The imposter then asked the students one of three questions: (1) Would you go out with me tonight? (2) Would you come over to my apartment tonight? or (3) Would you go to bed with me tonight? None of the women who were approached agreed to go to bed with the male imposter, whereas more than two-thirds of the males agreed to such a proposal.[13] Clark and Hatfield’s experiment clearly demonstrates a woman’s Safety Valve in action which keeps OFF her ability to be sexual apart from a prerequisite emotional connection with a man. A woman wants to feel emotionally connected before opening herself up to physical intimacy—while many men, just need to know that she is willing.[14]

Conversely, one night stands in which a woman is able to be sexual with little or no preliminary emotional connection indicates a faulty safety valve or one that opens too easily. Beverly LaHaye asks a very pertinent question in regard to the ease at which some women enter into a sexual situation. She suggests perhaps, that you are not basing your relationship, “on the kind of love that lasts.”[15] Perhaps women who find themselves in compromising sexual situations like affairs and one-night-stands believe that their new acquaintance is much more secure and that the new relationship is more emotionally intense than it really is. Perhaps women are being fooled into believing that his sexual overtones are a promise for an enduring relationship? In other words, is the release of the safety valve based on an illusion of relationship (for the love of having a relationship) or is it based on the genuine love and security that he sends in your direction?

If a woman’s safety valve is working properly she will not be mislead by a man’s false advances. She will not succumb to hooking-up with him on the first date or to moving in with him shortly thereafter. That safety valve is there for her protection so that dating will progress such that she knows that she knows―who he is. It is there to give her time so that she can complete her homework about him and finish her due-diligence. She must determine beyond shadow of any doubt that he will care for her. This is a major theme of a covenant relationship based on unconditional promises rather than performance based contracts. All of which, should happen and become self evident before her safety valve should open thus allowing her to be sexual with him. A beautiful example of how God plans for this to unfold is found in the book of Ruth where Boaz makes provision for Ruth well before any romantic involvement with her. In the telling of that love story Ruth comes to know that Boaz has the wherewithal to make good on any promises he makes to her. Women of today would do well to model their lives after Ruth.

If the male fails to convince her that she will be loved, keep her secure and well-cared for, her safety valve has been designed to prevent the system from flowing any further. Likewise in a marriage, circumstances can change over the course of the relationship which can cause her safety valve to close even after she has been sexual with him. Yet the same principles apply. If the husband is unable to reassure the wife of the same things that an unmarried man must convince a potential mate of, then a once sexual wife can suddenly become disinterested in sex. Under both scenarios, low sexual accommodation could actually reflect good judgment.[16]

Dysfunction or Good Judgment?

We now know from countless studies that father absence is devastating to children. And to be perfectly clear, it is a false assumption to believe that any ordinary man is a suitable replacement for a biological father. Studies actually reveal that a stepfather is the most dangerous person in regard to a woman’s children.[17], [18] Jocelyn Brown and her colleagues have found that the likelihood of child abuse for children living with a stepfather are more than three times greater than children living in a non-stepfather household.[19]

Given the potential harm to children in parental breakups, whether from cohabitation or divorce, God has designed women with a special failsafe to protect their unborn children. Apart from a man being able to either convince a woman or continually reassure her that he is committed to her and accepts the responsibility of caring for her, the emotional safety valve God put in her will not easily allow her to be sexual. It goes without saying that without a man and woman being sexual there is little chance that a child could be born. If a man’s loving care is absent before conception then it sure won’t be likely after children arrive―as life becomes more difficult. If he is not fully connected to her from the beginning, that makes the relationship highly unstable. A woman’s safety valve is God’s way of protecting children from being born into an unstable family where they will fail to receive the proper nurture and discipline to grow up well-adjusted. Malachi chapter 2, verses 15 and 16, tell us that God hates it when a man breaks faith with his wife because doing so fails to produce the godly children that He wants. Centuries after Malachi spoke those words we now have countless studies that prove what he said.

Children are supposed to represent the strength and fruit of a man’s union to his wife. Of course, we know that this is becoming rarer and rarer in our society. Many people are overriding their safety valves, engaging in sex while keeping in mind a way to opt out if a child is conceived. I suspect that the “morning after pill” (RU486) will soon make the practice of abortion obsolete and which will make demonstrations against it moot. Done in the secret of someone’s home, it will be harder to object. Seemingly in great aguish, actress Margot Kidder once said this about abortion which is still relevant. She identifies the paradox that women face in regard to their relationships:

Abortion might be killing a life; I don’t know. That to me is not an issue. If there is a sin, it is the sin that we adults perpetrate on the children of the earth who truly are innocent and defenseless by bringing those children into the world when they will not be cared for…I’m not pro abortion… because abortion hurts. It’s emotionally painful. I am pro choice—that being the choice of the mother, choice over my own body—because ultimately it’s my womb, my nine months and the child I have to nurture.[20]

What Miss Kidder failed to acknowledge was that having a committed husband could help a woman say “yes” to the child producing sex they feel compelled to have. By assuring her that she will not be left holding the bag for the children they produce together, a man can eliminate this paradox for his wife. Without those assurances she faces feelings of loneliness from having to refuse sex with a man she is not yet sure of. Should a woman say “yes” to a man and risk pregnancy or should she say “no” and risk loneliness? This paradox seems to reflect a shift in the attitudes of men and women regarding the purposes of relationship that were not as widespread in previous generations.

Historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and sociologist David Popenoe, edited a symposium in 2000 which was overshadowed by the events of 9/11. They identified a shift in thinking that was taking place in regard to the purposes of marriage. Marriage was once viewed as “an institution for bearing and raising children.” Whitehead and Popenoe contended that this was no longer the case. They observe that the most obvious reason for a shift in thinking was due to the “weakening link between marriage and parenthood itself,” that it is now being driven by huge cohabitation and divorce rates. In their view couples are now emphasizing the primacy of their relationship which is now “designed to fulfill the emotional needs of adults rather than as an institution for parenthood and childrearing.”[21] Relationship now seems to be viewed increasingly more egocentrically for what it can bring to someone’s life rather than what it can bring into someone else’s life.

Her Safety Valve in Degrees — Anorgasmia

While focusing solely on the pleasures of relationship and disregarding the children it produces is unreasonable, so it would also be unreasonable to adopt such an ascetic view of life whereby relationships bring no pleasure. To accept such thinking would go against the words of God in 1Timothy 6:17 where it says that He richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Sex was God’s idea and He wants both husbands and wives to enjoy one another sexually and obstacles preventing that should not be ignored. Consequently there are several sexual disorders related to a woman’s’ safety valve that stand in the way of her enjoyment of sex. One of those is anorgasmia.

Anorgasmia has some distinguishing characteristics related to what we have discussed thus far. In a sample of 436 British women with partners, Hawton and his colleagues found that a woman was more likely to be orgasmic if she was young; the relationship was of short duration and she had a generally better marital adjustment. It was also found among participants that a woman’s satisfaction with her sexual relationship was associated with her marital adjustment regardless of age.[22] Presumably the better the marital adjustment, the better is a woman’s sexual satisfaction. The Cycle of Marital Intimacy would predict that a better marital adjustment is based upon how secure the relationship is for her and how well she is continually being reassured. In Hawton’s study it appears that orgasm is more predictable among younger women, which may imply, that older women are losing their reassurances. It may also indicate for younger women that in the beginning of a relationship sentiment is high due to hopes of being well cared for and loved which often diminish over time. Drawing other conclusions of Hawton’s study, a woman who discovers that her relationship expectations are not being realized causes her safety valve to engage thus shutting down her ability to orgasm but interestingly, not necessarily the act of intercourse.

Her Safety Valve in Degrees — Dyspareunia

A major conclusion from Hawton’s study shows that women seem able to continue to accommodate their husband’s sexual appetite through intercourse (perhaps for the sake of maintaining the relationship) but may fail to feel a strong enough emotional connection to him that would allow her to climax. The fact that lack of orgasm was the issue indicates that intercourse happened and that lubrication may not have been a major concern. Other women may have even weaker feelings of security and emotional connection that may result in lubrication problems. If so, while continuing to remain sexually active this could result in yet another condition called dyspareunia.

Dyspareunia is any acute and recurrent genital or pelvic pain that is associated with intercourse.[23]

A National Health and Sexual Life survey estimates that between 10% and 15% of women complain of painful intercourse at any given time.[24] In a series of lab studies, clinicians have found that most dyspareunic women are physiologically capable of lubrication yet do not with their partner.[25], [26], [27], [28] Continuing to engage in intercourse without sufficient lubrication would indeed result in a painful situation. The fact that they are capable of lubricating but do not, points to her partner in some way.

Many, if not most, women with dyspareunia prefer to consider their painful sex a pain syndrome rather than a sexual dysfunction.[29] They may fully recognize that they are capable of lubricating but that their lack of trust in their partner is what is preventing them and that they are not dysfunctional but rather the relationship is. Furthermore, the word dysfunction likely comes across as harsh to women by sending the metamessage that they are somehow defective. If we consider that these women may not be receiving messages of prerequisite reassurance for whatever reason, then their inability to have pain free sex may not actually be a dysfunction. Messages of inadequacy are not only injurious to a person’s self-image, but rob them of feeling safe in the relationship. Expressed displeasure with them brings their performance into question and puts them—on the bubble—so to speak. As mentioned earlier, a woman’s dyspareunia may be trying to say something about the lack of reassurance she is getting from her man. If she were to have a more reassuring relationship perhaps her sexual pain would disappear along with self-denigrating dysfunction labels.

Traditionally, most clinicians have attempted either to reduce dyspareunia to either a physical problem or as a psychosexual conflict.[30] Either there is truly a physiological malfunction or else it is psychosomatically induced. Masters and Johnson have described their encounters with a woman’s sexual pain this way:

For years, woman's [sic] complaint “it hurts when I have intercourse” has been an anathema to the therapist. Even after an adequate pelvic examination, the therapist frequently cannot be sure whether the patient is complaining of definitive but undiagnosed pelvic pathology or whether, as has been true countless thousands of times, a sexually dysfunctional woman is using the symptomatology of pain as a means of escaping completely or at least reducing markedly the number of unwelcome sexual encounters in her marriage.[31]

Given the fact that women utilize a very indirect style of communication, which makes use of metamessages, the anathema that Masters and Johnson seem frustrated by may in fact be a cry for help. The sexual pain that women experience is probably quite real. The genesis of that pain and where that pain is localized seems to be what is in question here. Perhaps with the metaphorical way that women speak of difficult topics, maybe they are allowing their body to be speak for the psychological pain they feel from feeling disconnected from their mate. Because women use metamessages to protect the feelings of self and others, blaming a spouse openly may be out-of-bounds for them. Cathryn Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo note that low desire individuals, who are mostly women, are reluctant about beginning treatment; being identified as “the problem” and being pressured into behaviors they have little inclination for.[32] Most low sexual desire women only go to therapy because they have been pressured to by threat of divorce.[33]

The woman may only feel comfortable addressing her pain issue with a trusted professional and then only in the form of a metamessage. The woman may send a message of sexual pain in hopes that an intuitive therapist will pick up on the fact that the identified patient is not really her but rather her husband. She may also hope that the therapist will know, without actually having to say so, that the core issue is really an emotional one rather than being sexual in origin. Not uncommonly, the origin of a sexual problem in one partner lies in how the couple interacts.[34]

For the savvy therapist, her sexual pain is not seen as her issue alone but rather as the process of relationship. Once recognized, sexual desire problems in one individual become a way of seeing how relationships are not functioning rather than seeing them as signs of dysfunction or dysregulation in only one person. To understand this, the therapist must begin to view the low sexual desire as a form of interpersonal communication[35] where the woman is attempting to communicate that there is a problem without actually having to say what exactly it is. To preserve his feelings she lets it be about her instead of him.

Flor and colleagues make this observation:

A significant percentage of the dyspareunic women we have seen, however, do not have a stable partner. Some have chosen to totally avoid heterosexual interactions until they can solve the problem. Others maintain unsatisfactory relationships for fear of not being able to establish another. Such concerns appear diminished but nonetheless important in older women with more established relationships. There is suggestive evidence [emphasis mine] that the experience of pain can be affected by one’s partner’s reaction.[36]

Suggestive evidence is the key metamessage in Flor’s statement. The pain women allude to cannot be definitively determined even though an unstable partner is commonplace for these women. This is probably because women communicate in an indirect fashion with reluctance to jeopardize their relationship. In turn it has made it difficult for clinicians to understand the problem completely which may be why treatment recommendations from the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) have traditionally ignored psychosocial aspects[37] of a couples’ relationship thus causing them to focus solely on trying to find physiological etiologies.

Amazingly however, women who experience painful intercourse are unable to characterize the kind of pain they have. Therapists ask, “Is it burning, sharp, dull, shooting, or something else?” As a result therapists claim that clients often lack the vocabulary to do this.[38] This is amazing since women find verbal communication easier and have richer vocabularies than men. There exists a plethora of studies that reveal how women outperform men in language tasks and produce speech more easily and fluently than men do.[39] There must be some other reason that Masters and Johnson, along with countless other clinicians, have been unable to find the information they need to treat dyspareunia successfully. The Cycle of Marital Intimacy would say that husbands are not giving women the conversations they need to reassure them of the safety and security they need to feel in order to be willing sex partners.

Some authors are beginning to recognize that it may be a disrespectful and an unfortunate holdover from a male phallocentric point of view to urge women to overcome their safety valves in the face of their antipathy to sex. Rather, these authors are also suggesting that it may be useful to explore the woman’s thoughts and feelings in greater depth in order to discern the “meaning” of the symptom[40] and to determine what their body “is trying to tell them.”[41]

As men continue to pressure women to overcome their safety valves, there creates greater opportunity for more varied reactions from women. There is limited evidence for a subtype of dyspareunia that includes vulvar vestibulitis syndrome.[42] It is considered to be the most common type of premenopausal dyspareunia.[43] Vulvar vestibulitis is characterized by highly localized “burning” or “cutting” which is induced by penile pressure to the vulvar vestibule. Penile penetration and rubbing in this area is what causes the pain. Applying pressure to other surrounding areas does not have the same effects.[44]

A subtype of vulvar vestibulitis is referred to as vulvo/vaginal atrophy in which women tend to report pain or discomfort upon penetration or pain located in the vulvar area or anterior portion of the vagina.[45] Vulvar or vaginal atrophy was once thought to be caused by menopause. It was supposed that decreasing estrogen levels caused atrophy and decreased lubrication during arousal making intercourse uncomfortable and sometimes painful. No one has yet demonstrated a direct link between decreased estrogen levels; vaginal dryness and the resulting effects of painful intercourse.[46] In fact, Laan and van Lunsen have shown that while vaginal atrophy is related to estrogen levels, a woman’s physiological capability to lubricate is not.[47]

It is important to note that many women who suffer with vulvar vestibulitis are very young and do not have established relationships.[48] We might ask two questions. First, what causes them to believe that they need to be sexual outside of a secure relationship and with a stable partner? And second, then again, how does a young lady say “no” to her boyfriend without hurting his feelings?

Her Safety Valve in Degrees — Vaginismus

As with anorgasmia and dyspareunia, vaginismus is yet another condition related to a woman’s safety valve. It is commonly viewed as evidence of psychosexual inhibition and relational conflict, rather than as a genuine somatic manifestation.[49] A major difference between it and the anorgasmia and dyspareunia disorders is that anorgasmia and dyspareunia accommodate intercourse while vaginismus seeks to prevent entry. Helen Singer Kaplan suggests that vaginismus is a conditioned response that is associated with an adverse stimulus that is related to intercourse or vaginal entry: she states that “vaginismus occurs when a negative contingency becomes associated with the act or fantasy of vaginal penetration”[50] The subconscious association Kaplan is referring to relates to a woman’s safety valve. The safety valve often acts outside of a woman’s awareness. Her subconscious needs assurances to open her safety valve while mistrust keeps it tightly closed. It represents a deep seated fear of not being cared for if she became pregnant. Since the issuance of no-fault divorce in 1970, these fears may not be unfounded as the rates of divorce and short term cohabitation continue to soar thus leaving women without resources or a safe environment.

One of the most vulnerable times of a woman’s life—when it is most difficult to care for herself—is when she is pregnant or living life as a single mother. Studies show that the standard of living usually drops significantly for a woman following her divorce. According to Marianne E. Page and Ann Huff Stevens, the living standards of divorced single mothers drop by some 31% in white families and by 53% in black families.[51] The unspoken message of vaginismus may in fact be an underlying fear that a woman will lose her security through either becoming pregnant or becoming a single mother. This fear would be translated from a low confidence in her partner that she and her offspring will be cared for. Statistically speaking odds are not in her favor. Vaginismus may be a display of good judgment or else a protective feature of her subconscious as a survey of teen boys revealed that 82% said they would not marry their pregnant partner.[52] Nowadays it seems that they mostly find a new sex partner.

The difference between anorgasmia, dyspareunia and vaginismus may be related to varying degrees of trust versus mistrust which in-turn determine how open or closed to sex a woman’s safety valve will be. The subconscious doubt is “if I get pregnant will you take care of me?” A corresponding doubt for men may be, “Can I take care of you?” which may result in impotency and erectile dysfunction for them.

Even though women have voluntary control of the pubococcygeus muscle, which surrounds the outer third of the vagina,[53] vaginismic woman experience involuntary spasms when they anticipate “penetration.” These spasms come as a result of anxiety and fear of such magnitude that it prevents the insertion of even the smallest speculum to the largest penis. In the most severe cases many vaginismic women have never been able to complete a proper gynecological exam and are able to use tampons. Some women experience situational vaginismus where they are able to use tampons but unable to submit themselves to coitus. Because of these reactions many vaginismic women go for years or even decades of marriage without sexual intercourse. Even though vaginismic women are unable to tolerate vaginal penetration, many are able to experience arousal, lubrication and orgasm through manual or oral stimulation. It is not uncommon that vaginismic women report a rich sexual repertoire with their partner. Therapists report however that the most common situation is one in which vaginismic couples report periods of relative harmony followed by outbursts of anger and frustration by partners due to the absence of intercourse. Very often vaginismic women seek treatment due to either a threat of divorce or from her desire to have children.[54]

While vaginismus could be a result of many causes such as; a repressed memory of early sexual abuse resulting in an unexplained phobia; a rare organic cause such as a malfunction of neurology or anatomy; possibly the most likely cause comes from a psychological failure of dating in which a strong emotional connection was not well established before sexual intercourse was imposed upon the woman. In this line of thinking vaginismus would be the result of subconsciously repressed fears caused by viewing her first intercourse as traumatic, which the woman may have surmised as being akin to rape. Once her mind associates intercourse with pain, the trigger she associates with it—whether genital touching or attempts at penile intromission—will elicit the same resistive response she had the first time. Other stimuli not associated with trauma may not trigger the reaction such as tampon use or manual sex. The degree of vaginismus is determined by where the trigger lies. Is she triggered by arousal, foreplay or is it at a later stage in the system of sexual response? While the woman may have consented to the relationship by and large, it may not be to the point that she is fully vested sexually. Vaginismus may then stem from some naivety on the part of the woman as to what would be required of her in an intimate relationship. Or, the woman has failed to feel fully connected to her husband and secure with him which does not allow her safety valve to open all the way. As early as the 1900s, Faure and Sireday observed that vaginismus was more common in arranged marriages where there would be little courtship and first intercourse was often traumatic.[55] Therefore, considering all of the possible sexual disorders a woman may experience, the degree to which she can be sexual in her relationship is gauged by the degree of her attachment. The more secure she is with her mate would typically determine how sexual she can be with him.

Early treatments of vaginismus were based on the assumption that the disorder was caused by inadequate vaginal size. The goal then was to use dilators to gradually enlarge the vaginal opening so that coitus could be accommodated. It is obvious now that the vagina is quite able to increase in size by approximately 50% during sexual arousal thus in reality allowing it to accommodate nearly any size penis. Modern treatments are usually successful in helping woman learn to relax control of the muscle that prevents vaginal intromission.[56]

Women Have Endured Much in Attempts to Overcome Their Safety Valves

Because man have traditionally failed to understand how women feel about their relationships and sex as well as the importance of security to them, along with their fervor for sex means that women have been discounted in the bedroom. Men have failed to recognize the presence and purpose of a woman’s sexual safety valve. For eons it seems, many women have endured lackluster and low quality relationships with men. It is understandable why some women have chosen the sensitivity of another woman and of a lesbian lifestyle. Yet, most others have gallant efforts to override their safety valves. In spite of its warnings women have made self-sacrificing choices in attempts to satisfy the sexual appetites of their men despite not feeling considered n the face of insensitivity. The large fears of not being cared for coupled with the disappointment of unrealized dreams of a quality relationship have left women foundering in feelings of anxiety and depression. Studies show that women are more depressed than men at rates 4 times as much. Consequently anxiolytic and antidepressant medications have flooded the market place. For many years now antidepressants have been the most highly prescribed medicines of any kind. Because of the sexual side-effects of these medicines, not only are they failing to help women side-step their safety valves, but they are actually reinforcing those valves by reducing sexual arousal and desire even further.[57] They do not ultimately do not create the positive feelings and woman needs in order to be sexual.

Yitzchk M. Binik, Sophie Bergeron and Samir Khalife list for us below, the myriad of ways women have tried to override their safety valves and accommodate their husbands with a wide variety of psychosocial, medical, and surgical procedures in order to treat their psychosexual pain and relationship dysfunction. [58], [59] Their list includes:

In the psychosocial realm, treatment interventions have included psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive-behavioral interventions for pain, couple therapy, hypnosis, relaxation, biofeedback, and such sex therapy interventions as sensate focus, Kegel exercises, and vaginal dilation. Medical and surgical treatments have included sitz baths, diet, oral medications, topical applications, interferon injections, laser surgery, and vestibulectomy.[60]

In the wake of all of these attempts to make women more sexual, apart from a bona fide prerequisite emotional connection, the feminist movement has gained traction. The feminist movement exists only because of the insensitivities of men. A few vocal women have stood up and said “no more!” They have become the stifled voices of countless masses of women who have been unable to assert what they want from a male/female relationship. Sandra R. Lieblum, PhD, professor of psychiatry, author and authority on female sexual disorders[61] minces no words when she writes that it is the husband who maintains, if not causes, the problem.[62]

Listen for the frustration of women in Naomi McCormick’s words:

As we move into the twenty-first century, it is time to make sexology holistic and woman-affirming. Too many years have been devoted to sexual bookkeeping, recording the frequency and variety of people's genital experiences. This distracts us from the more important aspects of sexuality, how we think and feel about intimacy [emphasis mine].[63]

Naomi’s attitude no doubt is a motivating factor for why women are no longer choosing the more permanent institution of marriage over cohabitation. Cohabitation is not just about men holding sexual performance over the heads of women in order to get more sex. Cohabitation is adaptive for women too. Certainly, and for a long time, women have feared being locked into a dead-end relationship with no means of escape. Clearly if marriage is to regain its rightful place in society, the changes must, as Genesis 2:24 indicates, take place in the hearts of men.

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Works Cited:

[1] The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!, Dan Seaborn & Peter Newhouse with Lisa Velthouse, Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2007. (p. 149).

[2] Multielement Treatment of Desire Disorders: Integration of Cognitive, Behavioral, and Systemic Therapy, Chapter 3, Cathryn Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 71).

[3] The enhancing effects of anxiety on arousal in sexually dysfunctional and functional women, E. M. Palace and B. B. Gorzalka, Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 99, 1990. (pp. 403-411). In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 127).

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