Professional Christian Counseling
Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
Quantity:
Subtotal
Taxes
Shipping
Total
Counselworx.com
Emotionally Focused...Solution Driven Counseling
Bulding Healthy Marriages and Strong Families
COUNSELOR PAGES
To the typical man, sex is like air or water. He can’t do without it very well.
―Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.[1]
His Love Gauge
The Sexual Interactions He Monitors
Revised 12/4/2015
Most every person desires to be held in high regard by people important to them and most especially by their spouse. A spouse’s opinion usually means more to a person than anyone else’s. From a woman’s perspective that means that when she feels secure and is loved and cared for she generally concludes that she has worth and value. One of the best ways for a man to feel worth and value comes when his wife honors him with sex. When she is willing to do the most embarrassing thing a person can do, that is, become sexual―her willingness sends a strong metamessage of importance. The degree to which a wife is both willing and able to be sexually vulnerable to her husband, helps her husband gauge how well he is loved and respected by his wife, as well as informing him of how much value he may assign to his personal sense of self. Since a man’s self-worth comes primarily through his work and sex, men seek ways of advancing both the pleasure and valuing they can get from these two endeavors.
Tied to a Man’s Self Image
In the Verbal Intercourse section we learned that men unilaterally introduce sexual novelty into their marriages. Doing so eliminates the problem of sexual boredom while advancing self-image. Some men may even take that concept a step further by subconsciously testing how much their wife values them by making outrageous sexual requests of her at times. The more fragile his self-image is, the more frequently he will want to bolster it. If she does something for him that she would do with no other person, he may then infer from her act that she affirms his importance and value to her. In regard to assigning value to her husband, the greater a wife’s eagerness toward sex with her husband, the greater will be his enjoyment of sex as well as his feelings of being esteemed and valued by her. It is through sex that a man builds intimacy with his wife. Just as every female conversation is a negotiation for deeper levels of intimacy,[1] so the expansion of a man’s sexual repertoire with his wife is also a negotiation for deeper levels of intimacy. As a husband reveals his vulnerability and nakedness to his wife, he in return wants to explore her body intimately. When she allows that, he feels respected by and connected to her. Inattentiveness, ambivalence, dismissal or even worse, a condemnation of his sexuality and sexual cues tell him that she is disinterested in or is disgusted by his sexual nature, which signal that he has little or no worth to her and that something is wrong with the relationship. Since men find their self-image primarily through sex and work, when sex is removed, work often takes center stage in helping a man feel good about his image of self.
Consequently, because women can do little to directly improve the sense of value her husband receives from his work, it can be a much different story at home. At home the wife has great influence. While her husband’s value at work is dependent upon his performance and the type of work that he does, at home he gauges his worth by the condition of the marriage relationship which is primarily based upon the frequency and quality of their sex. If both are adequate, then the relationship is in a good place. What many women are unaware of is that they can have an indirect influence on their husband’s work by making him feel valued at home. Because when he does feel valued, he comes to believe that he can conquer the world for her. Conversely it is extremely difficult for a man who is depressed by his view of self to accomplish much of anything.[2] A wife’s degree of sexual encouragement tells her husband whether the relationship is running on “full” or if it is near “empty.” Sex is the fuel that fills his love tank and is what “revs” his engine. The reason men gauge the marriage this way is because of the hormone testosterone which regulates sexual appetite.
The more a person has of this chemical the more they want sex.[3] And, when a woman willingly takes care of the biological urges that her husband perceives periodically, he feels valued by her. If she is not willing to be sexual, then something must be wrong with him which may cause him to feel personally rejected. While many men have a relatively constant sexual desire for their wife, lustful feelings ebb and flow with the rise and fall of testosterone which is not based on his thinking but rather is biologically determined by his body. In line with the Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Marital Intimacy, while sexual desire is frequently biologically induced for men, sexual desire is the product of a secure and loving relationship for women. While this statement can be true at times for either gender, the lopsided natures of men and women cause this to be true much more often than it is not. Apart from some aberrant body dysregulation of a woman’s monthly hormonal cycle or from some psychological trauma, most women rarely seek sexual encounters. Men however do seek sex regularly.
The Male Hormonal Cycle
While women are familiar with the biologic cycles of their own bodies, Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker have cited medical research in their book, Every Man’s Battle, that reveals a biological cycle that every healthy man experiences. As Every Man’s Battle implies, efforts to control biologic lust can truly become a battle for men. The battle that men fight is much different than what women deal with monthly. Instead of a man’s cycle occurring just once monthly, his cyclical surges of testosterone happen about every seventy-two hours.[4] Functionally speaking, this high level of testosterone triggers the testes into producing brand new sperm.[5] In addition, this distinctive feature of the biology of men causes nearly every man to feel the psychological effects of an increased desire for sex which profoundly affects the relationships they have with their wives.
We can only speculate why God would design the male’s sexual appetite to be so biologically driven. One of the keys to understanding why it is this way probably has to do with the fact that God tied sexual desire to sperm production. Harmful exposure to alcohol, tobacco, pesticides, X-rays, solvents or ionizing radiation affects the quality of sperm. In new research, science is now finding that even low levels of free radicals can damage the DNA of sperm increasing the odds of birth defects. Since sperm production is based on the replication of existing sperm not the production of completely new, even a small mutation called ‘de novo or sporadic point mutation’ will permanently damage the DNA that gets passed on. Furthermore, with every subsequent ejaculation, sperm must be replicated. And, each replication multiplies the chance for more disintegration of man’s DNA. Due to the fact that disorders like autism, schizophrenia and Down syndrome are more prevalent among children of older parents, science is finding that sperm replication becomes less efficient with age.[6] Therefore the longer a man retains sperm before releasing it, the greater chance of him passing on damaged DNA to his children. God wants to avoid that and so He designed a man’s appetite for sex to increase every time his body replicates new sperm so that the best DNA can constantly be provided. Thus, there is good reason for men having to battle biological desire―they do so for the sake of future generations.
Unlike women who eventually lose their ability to reproduce due to reductions in estrogen at menopause,[7] men remain capable of reproduction throughout most of their life. Even a man of 80 is still potentially capable of fathering a child while continuing to remain half as fertile as when he was 25.[8] For the reasons mentioned above fathering children late in life may not be a very good idea.
While men experience gradual 1% yearly decreases in the production of testosterone, starting at about age 30,[9], [10] & [11] there are usually sufficient quantities that allow a man’s sex drive to persist, in some measure, throughout much of his life. These gradual reductions in testosterone seem to imply a reduction in the necessity of sex over the course of marriage. It is well known fact that about half of all men experience some erectile difficulties after age forty. Because men tie self-image to work and sex, even though a man’s sexual capabilities decline with age, many men try to cling to sex in late life. If maintaining sexuality were not an issue then pharmaceutical companies would have wasted efforts by developing Viagra or Cialis.
Not only does the production of testosterone gradually decrease over the course of a man’s lifetime, the male body also fluctuates in how much testosterone it produces over the course of a day. Like women, highest levels of this hormone peak in the morning hours during sleep,[12]&[13] which may account for the strong erection that most men wake up with.[14] Thus mornings represent a man’s best sexual strength and his wife’s too.
As is possible, couples may want to consider mornings as an alternate time for love-making instead of saving sex for the end of the day. Who knows, feeling valued by his wife first thing in the morning may affect a man’s attitude about work for the rest of the day? Not only could it help the husband feel like he can conquer the world but would also do wonders for the husband-wife bond and for filling his love tank. First fruits communicates valuing and the idea of first fruits can be found in Nehemiah 10:37 where the people resolved to bring to the priests the first of their ground meal, grain offerings, the first of the fruit of all of their trees along with their new wine and olive oil. Because the priests relied on what the people brought to them for their own sustenance, making them wait would be wrong as the first fruits were important to avoiding starvation.
Husbands and Wives Starving for Intimacy
The problem for many men is that, their higher levels of testosterone, both in the mornings and every three days, create a psychological pressure on thinking. High levels of testosterone send strong signals to his brain just like when his body tells him that he is hungry, thirsty or needs to urinate. Instead of creating a desire to eat, drink or care for his self in other ways, testosterone tells him that his body needs a sexual release. While men often maintain a near constant sexual desire for their wives,[15] testosterone raises the bar to feelings of lust.[16] Women ought to be able to relate to her husband’s feelings of starvation due to their relatively constant desire for conversational intimacy. Due to the production of brain neurochemicals it can be biologically driven at times as well. And, just as everyone can control their hunger and thirst for a time, so men and women can control their sexual and conversational pangs—for a time.
In regard to starvation we generally think of the well-known “rule of threes” which dictates how long we can forgo air, water and food. We can live without: air for roughly three minutes; water for three days and food for three weeks.[17] The truth is that survival from deprivation of these three essentials of life depends on many factors. For example the human brain can go without oxygen for only a maximum of thirty minutes provided it is chilled at the same time that oxygen is being deprived such as in the case of falling through ice and drowning. Otherwise brain death begins in only three minutes. After ten minutes revival is questionable without brain damage and recovery after a fifteen minute time span is near impossible.[18] The human body can go without water for as short as several hours or for up to a week depending on prior hydration and environment.[19] The average person might succumb to a lack of food in as little as ten days or may be able to linger for up to ten weeks depending on the amount of body fat previously stored.[20] While I am not aware of any studies that have measured how long a man can survive without sex, or a woman can go without meaningful adult conversation or touch, what science has discovered is that a man cannot go forever without some serious health consequences.
Consequences of a Sexless Marriage
Christian authors and sex experts Clifford and Joyce Penner, citing the work of Lauman (1994), consider couples that experience sex less than ten times a year virtually sexless marriages.[21] On a less incriminating and more positive note, Chair of the Wellness Institute at the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Michael Roizen, suggests that men who have sex twice per day may be able to extend their lives by as much as eight years.[22]
According to Dr. Roizen, during orgasm the bloodstream is flooded with hormones such as oxytocin and dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA). In the moments following ejaculation, oxytocin not only increases a man’s emotional bond with his wife, but also reduces stress, thus decreasing the production of cortisol thereby bolstering the immune system. The DHEA steroid has been shown to reduce the risk of heart attack in middle-aged men. Both oxytocin and DHEA have also been shown to reduce depression.[23] Furthermore, studies show that women who score low on sexual satisfaction questionnaires were three to four times more likely to have the lowest levels of the DHEA steroid.[24] Sex, even as little as once or twice a week, also increases immunoglobulin levels in the blood which the body uses to fight infection and disease. Those who are sexually active have as much as 30 percent more of it in their bloodstreams than those who abstain from sex [25] causing both men and women to live longer healthier lives.
Furthermore, researchers have known for considerable time now that being single has many more negative health and longevity effects on men than it does on women.[26] In accordance with the Genesis 2:24 Cycle of Intimacy, the deleterious effects of total sexual abstinence on men are probably related to how socially acceptable and readily available emotional support is for women versus how difficult sexual support is for single men to find. Differing gender attitudes on sex outside of relationship may account for outcome studies that show how older women are more satisfied with living alone in retirement;[27] while divorced, separated, or widowed retired men are much less happy;[28] and probably explains why women find remarriage after a divorce less important than men do;[29] as well as why American women outlive men by an average of 5.2 years.[30]
Furthermore, being single is not the only circumstance in which a man may find himself living without some form of sexual support. Some men find themselves married to a woman who simply is not sexually supportive. While according to Dr. Roizen, sex-filled marriages may add eight years to a husband’s life, sexless marriages may significantly diminish the overall lifespan of a husband resulting in perhaps―an overall thirteen year swing in life expectancy.
Without a sexual release, at least occasionally, the physiological pressures of testosterone create an insurmountable psychological stress within a man. Not to mention, the greater stress of not feeling intimately connected with his wife. Stress lowers the body’s immune system and its ability to fight off disease. In the earlier section Her Safety Valve, we discussed anorgasmia. Researchers may someday discover how many vaginismic, dyspareunic or anorgasmic women are married to husbands who die of disease prematurely. Comparing the life span of those men with national averages of sex-filled marriages may quantify for us how long a man can actually survive without sex.
The problem of finding acceptable sexual support is quite pervasive and problematic for men. In one telling study, of the staggering 63 percent of women who reported orgasm and arousal difficulties, amazingly some 85 percent, of this massive group, were satisfied with their sex life![31] In sex therapy clinics across the country, low sexual desire is the most commonly reported problem,[32]&[33] with anorgasmia coming in second.[34] While men can experience these same sexual difficulties they are much more prevalent among women,[35] making a sexless marriage more probable for the men these women are married to.
Initiation―The Male Imperative
Certainly God must not have intended for the psychological effects of testosterone to stress men out. Instead a man’s sexual appetite was intended to bring an awareness and sensitivity to his created sexual natural. If you’ve ever read Genesis chapter one, and the story of how Adam named the animals, you may recall that Adam found none of them to be a suitable sexual counterpart for himself. Since this story precludes the physical creation of Eve, it most certainly draws attention to Eve as the answer to Adam’s sexual conundrum. Through giving Adam the task of searching for his sexual partner, God was also inferring and promoting the male sexual imperative. It tells us that God wanted sex to be something for a husband to initiate. Knowing now about potential injury to sperm, the longer a man waits to use it, makes more procreatively important his thirst for sex. In other words the best sperm is available with the first sexual pangs.
By adding the conclusions of Scripture with the biological sexual pressure that God created testosterone to play in a man, it is clear that sex is both a man’s procreative and relational responsibility―not the woman’s. While a wife initiating sex is thrilling and likely bolsters her husband’s self-image, it is probably unrealistic for a husband to expect that his wife could consistently do that. If it is true that God designed husband’s to take the initiative, then that is what we should discover really happens in marriage. In a survey of husbands and wives, 69% of husbands did report that they tended to be the one who initiated sex while only 13% of wives said they ever did.[36] Hopefully the remaining 18% of this survey experienced spontaneous combustion in which neither partner was sure who started it. Sadly, in many marriages husbands lose sight of their imperative and give up trying to initiate. In this case the 18% may actually represent the sad reality that neither partner initiates sex any longer.
Nevertheless we have promoted a large body of evidence to suggest that sexual initiation is a man’s responsibility to procreation and for developing and maintaining his emotional bond with his wife. Genesis 2:24 confirms “for this reason a man….” most certainly implying that responsibility. Furthermore, Genesis 2:24 was written in the imperative, and its cycle―once started, is supposed to be ongoing and never ending. As a husband thrills his wife with an emotional bond through heartfelt conversation and nonsexual touch, she knows beyond doubt that she is not being manipulated for sex and in turn opens herself to him sexually so that he becomes bonded to her as well. As women recognize that it is sex that bonds her husband to her and not Verbal Intercourse as it does for her, then hopefully this information will help wives to be more sexually supportive of their husbands and hold less disdain for sex. If a wife fails to recognize the importance of her husband’s three day cycle, she may make matters worse for him―and for their relationship―which God designed to include frequent sex.
Hormonal Pressures
Many men say that the pressure to be sexual during their peak times of testosterone can be almost overwhelming resulting in a physical pain of the testicles that is colloquially referred to as blue balls. Blue balls is a slang term[37] for the condition of temporary fluid congestion (vasocongestion) in the testicles accompanied by testicular pain.[38] It is caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male who do not have an opportunity for ejaculation.[39] The term is thought to have originated in the United States, first appearing in 1916.[40] Some urologists call the condition epididymal hypertension which is not all males report experiencing.[41] Women who have taken large dosages of testosterone supplements acknowledge the powerful effects of it and the bio-psychological pressures it causes. Some have said that it can create such a ravenous appetite for sex that it nearly requires spontaneous masturbation.[42] Science has discovered one thing for sure―testosterone is the hormone of choice for sexual appetite. Regardless of gender, the more you have of it, the greater your desire for sex will be.[43] When sex is unavailable to men for extended periods of time they feel “bottled-up inside.” Women know this feeling because a lack of conversation for extended periods of time can make them feel bottled-up as well. Since men refer to the sexual pressure they feel as blue balls perhaps we should call the conversational pressure women feel as “pink lips.” You can tell if a woman has been experiencing pink lips because of the rapid fire succession of words she spouts in pressured speech. When in this state it is difficult to hold back the rising flood of conversation since she has been unable to tell anyone about what has been happening in her life. Now that she can, it comes out full-blast. Similarly, men experience the same kind of thing only sexually. Since the male counterpart is called premature ejaculation, we might call the female version Premature Verbal Ejaculation (PVE). Her short and rapid-fire verbal interaction really was not an interaction at all. In which case she has just talked over others and failed to let them experience a back and forth interplay of conversational experience. Listeners who experience PVE are likely to feel used or dumped on. Just as sexual releases eases a man’s sexual tension, so conversational releases ease a woman’s emotional tension.
Testosterone Cycles in Both Genders
The levels of testosterone vary greatly in men versus women. While men are on a seventy-two hour cycle, women also have a regular testosterone cycle that occurs synchronously with their monthly cycle of menses.[44] Testosterone levels in women rise sharply the day before ovulation and drop markedly by the end of the second day. Some researchers say that this surge in testosterone positively correlates with an increase in sexual libido and desire.[45] It is also noteworthy to mention that women produce somewhere between ten and one hundred times less testosterone than men do,[46] it goes without saying that the smaller amounts a woman makes rarely yield the same results as it does in a man.
After puberty, the male average is 20 times greater than for females.[47] Men produce about 95 percent of the testosterone that their bodies make, in testicular interstitial cells. The remainder comes from the adrenal glands. The small amounts of the feminizing hormone estrogen that men produce also come from the interstitial cells of their testes.[48] Female levels of testosterone peak at age nineteen, and by age forty-five or fifty a woman’s level can drop by as much as 70 percent.[49] Women produce testosterone primarily through peripheral conversion of androstenedione which accounts for roughly half of a woman’s overall production of testosterone with the remaining amounts being equally produced in both the ovaries and the adrenal cortex of her brain.[50] Of the amounts of testosterone that a woman’s ovaries do not directly convert into estrogen,[51] 66% is bound tightly to Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) protein with about 33% of it being bound to Albumin a blood protein leaving only about 1% to 2% to circulate freely.[52] Therefore men and women experience a converse relationship in the quantity of sex hormones that they make. Men produce much smaller amounts of estrogen than women while women produce much smaller amounts of testosterone than men do. The small percentage of testosterone that remains is all that can have an effect on her libido.
In the first two weeks of a woman’s cycle, estrogen and testosterone levels start out at their lowest levels and then gradually rise to their highest,[53] which means that a very low level of estrogen is the hormone in command during her period. Since estrogen makes people more accommodating, and also inhibits sexual desire,[54] & [55] we might think that under the influence of estrogen a woman may be receptive to sex during this time. That might be true except that free testosterone is virtually missing from her. The absence of free testosterone means that there is also an absence of sexual desire. Because estrogen is low, her accommodation is also low. Low accommodation coupled with zero appetite for sex results in an overall resistance to sex. Studies tell us that women do actively resist sex about 12-19% of the time,[56] which likely coincides with the 25% of the time that her menstrual cycle actively involves menstruation. God probably designed women to operate in this way in order for them to resist sex during their monthly flow but be able to accommodate sex at other times especially as estrogen ramps up toward ovulation. Studies do predictably reveal that women are the receptive spouse nearly three-quarters of the time.[57] The Bible tells us in Leviticus 18:19 that a man must not approach a woman to have sexual relations with her during the “uncleanness” of her monthly period. A woman’s lower levels of estrogen, resulting in a loss of accommodation, and a reduction of testosterone resulting in zero desire for sex during her period are what help her to resist that.
As estrogen begins to reach its maximum level near the end of the second week, two other hormones are triggered into action. Once that happens estrogen levels begin to take a sharp decline in production. At ovulation, with estrogen starting to be suppressed, a woman’s pituitary gland triggers the production of two gonadotropins called Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Luteinizing Hormone (LH). The first hormone, FSH, prepares a woman physically for pregnancy by triggering one of her ovaries to release an egg for fertilization. The second hormone, LH, appears to prepare her psychologically for pregnancy. Just as LH stimulates the testes of men to produce testosterone,[58] so it causes a woman’s ovaries to produce greater amounts of testosterone. Most diagrams of a woman’s monthly hormone cycle ignore the little observed fact that testosterone has been found to peak with the introduction of LH just before ovulation and remain high through ovulation.[59]
Do not be confused. Ovulation and menstruation are two separate events. Menstruation is the beginning of a woman’s cycle which corresponds with her period. Her period is triggered by decreases in estrogen and progesterone.[60] Menstruation discards an unfertilized egg that is no longer viable along with some blood and uterine lining. Bleeding can last anywhere from two to eight days. In the middle of her 28 to 32 day cycle, ovulation occurs whereby one of her ovaries discharges an egg for fertilization. Her cycle ends with the beginning of her next period.[61]
According to Michele Hakakha, M.D., a board-certified obstetrician and gynecologist who co-authored the book entitled Expecting 411: Clear Answers and Smart Advice for Your Pregnancy, an egg is released on average one per month and remains viable for a period of only twenty-four hours.[62] Assuming that a woman’s twenty-four hour ovulation is separated in some way by sleep, her actual fertility and increased appetite for sex is relegated to just portions of two separate days. This is the only time frame in which a woman can get pregnant even though this is not the only time sex can make her pregnant. Sex during a woman’s 24 hour time of ovulation will almost certainly result in pregnancy. But, because sperm can remain viable in a woman’s body from three to five days, [63] a sexually active woman can actually begin the process of becoming pregnant up to five days before her ovulation occurs. Five days earlier plus an additional sexual experience the next morning of ovulation, effectively extends the total possibility of pregnancy to six days which is often referred to as a woman’s fertile period.
Since depending on the exact moment when a woman’s 24 hours of ovulation begins, along with the fact that it is divided by a period of sleep, ovulation must coincide with at least one morning. Whether that morning is on the first day or occurs on the second day it meshes with not only her morning surge in testosterone but also her husband’s. As mentioned earlier, the testosterone levels of both men and women are highest in the morning. For those couples trying to get pregnant this interesting fact is a wonderful complement to the division of ovulation into parts of two days and time when pregnancy is most likely to occur.
Women’s Health researchers at Monash University in Australia acknowledge that the rise in testosterone may be an inbuilt stimulus to facilitate a woman’s libido thus enhancing the likelihood of pregnancy.[64] In regard to a woman’s ability to become pregnant, researchers have found that fertilization is related to a woman’s sexual excitement. What Barry Komisaruk, PhD, an orgasm researcher and psychology professor at Rutgers University, has found is that orgasmic women retain more sperm than those who are not.[65] Other researchers, most notably at the Universities of Erlangen and Gottingen, Germany, have found that uterine contractions are the primary method of sperm transport in the female body.[66] This gives purpose to an anatomical organ that many other researchers have struggled finding. Some believe that the clitoris has no other reproductive purpose than for pleasure.[67] While their conclusions are partly correct, it is true that the male and female clitoris does produce pleasure, it does have a very important function by facilitating orgasm. Without a wife’s orgasm, pregnancy is much more difficult to achieve not to mention the importance of her husband’s orgasm that creates a psychological attachment to her that a couple needs to have in order to raise together the children they produce.
Research indicates that some 30% to 40% of women have difficulty achieving an orgasm during intercourse. In one of the more extensive studies Fisher found in 1973 that the number one cause for female orgasm difficulty was related to father undependability. It appears that the women of this study had generalized negative beliefs about how well men could provide security.[68] All forms of abuse are correlated with increased orgasmic difficulties than in non-abused women.[69] & [70] Conversely, women of faith report being the most orgasmic group.[71]
Because women have control of their orgasms, some researchers at the University of New Mexico suggest that the decision to be orgasmic may allow women to make a subconscious last-minute call about whether they want to be fertilized by a particular partner.[72] Since we know that the husband’s orgasm bonds him psychologically to his wife thus ensuring that he will be there to help her socialize the children they produce, thus procreation from God’s perspective is not just about making babies but more about making enduring families. It only stands to reason that, as testosterone is the key activator of sexual arousal and desire in both genders,[73] coupled with the fact that it shows up during a woman’s most fertile time, along with the fact that men have an increased appetite for sex when they can pass on the best DNA, should cause us to see the makings of an elegant design in procreation.
The Presence of Testosterone Fails to Make Women Proceptive
Since we have discovered that estrogen is the hormone of choice for suppressing sexual desire while increasing accommodation, and that testosterone is the hormone of choice for both increasing sexual desire and aggression, the introduction of testosterone while estrogen levels decline during ovulation must be something akin to smashing the gas with one foot while holding the brake with the other! The two acting in concert with each other must create somewhat of a cancelling effect that results in a relatively subdued appetite for sex that women experience rather than the robust “I’ve got to have it” type of desire that men have. Studies show that women are often times unaware of a subjective arousal when in fact their bodies are biologically sexually aroused.[74] & [75] Despite a woman’s biological arousal, her subjective appetite may be so subtle, that even though she may feel a desire for sex, 27-42% of the time she remains the receptive spouse thus failing to initiate sex.[76] Other researchers confirm however, an upswing in an ovulating woman’s attitude toward sex as studies indicate that women tend to dress more sexually alluring during that time. In an American Psychological Association article, Haselton, an associate professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, writes that, even though there aren’t any studies showing that women are more sexually motivated during ovulation, there is evidence that women do take more care to look alluring, while also acknowledging the fact that other females in the animal kingdom do become more sexually proceptive during estrus.[77] Following ovulation FSH, LH, testosterone and estrogen subside thus allowing another hormone called progesterone to take over. Even more abundant than estrogen, progesterone is the hormonal steroid that functions to prepare a woman’s body for pregnancy.[78] As an interesting side note, the fact that women produce only about 2 tablespoons of estrogen and progesterone over the course of their entire life span reveals how potent these two sex hormones really are.[79]
At other times of her cycle when a woman is not ovulating, estrogen plays a different role. While estrogen does not increase her appetite for sex it does help her to be receptive to it. Unlike other females of the animal kingdom, human females are capable of sexual arousal at times other than when they are ovulating[80] in which case the neuropeptide hormone oxytocin plays a major role. It stimulates the production of testosterone.[81] Of course in ample supply testosterone can overpower estrogen thus helping a wife to have an appetite for sex. Oxytocin inducing activities for a woman include such things as a great conversation, hugs, cuddling and other forms of nonsexual touch.[82] Vigorous exercise also activates her sympathetic nervous system which also increases endogenous testosterone for a period of time fifteen minutes following the activity. [83] By now, you may have noticed that the female’s appetite, based solely on when her body tells her that she is ready for sex, is quite different than what happens biologically with men. As it turns out, the two days that she does have a biological appetite for sex just happen to be the two days of the month that she can get pregnant.[84] Of course this is a beautiful design for promoting procreation. It virtually ensures that a husband and wife will come together at just the right time to be able to conceive a child together.
Works Cited:
[1] You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation Deborah Tannen, New York: William Morrow and Company, 1990. (p. 24). In Beverly LaHaye, (Ed.) The Desires of a Woman’s Heart, Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1993. (p. 34).
[2] Sex Life: Low Sex/No Sex Marriages: Sparking the Ho-Hum/No Hum Sex Life, Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner, Christian Counseling Connection 17, 3, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2010. (p. 11).
[3] Every Man's Battle: A Guide to...Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey, Colrado Springs: Waterbrook Press, 2000. (p. 63-64).
[4]Ibid. (p.118).
[5] A Man's Shelf Life, Mark Teich, Psychology Today, 2013., Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200708/mans-shelf-life.
[6] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 311).
[7] Sex in the later years, D. E. Rykken, 1987. In P. Silverman (Ed.), The elderly as modern pioneers, Bloomington: University of Indiana Press, (pp. 125-144)., In R. Kail, and J. Cavanaugh (Eds.) Human Development: A Life Span View, 2nd Ed., Belmont: Wadsworth Thomson Learning, 2000. (p. 449).
[8]Age trends in the level of serum testosterone and other hormones in middle-aged men: longitudinal results from the Massachusetts male aging study, H. A. Feldman, C. Longcope, C. A. Derby, et al., Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, 87, 2002. (pp. 589–598)., In Michael K Brawer (Ed.), Testosterone Replacement in Men with Andropause: An Overview, Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1472881/#B1.http://aje.oxfordjournals.org/content/153/3/256.full.
[9] Longitudinal effects of aging on serum total and free testosterone levels in healthy men, S. M. Harman, E. J. Metter, J. D. Tobin, et al., Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging. Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, 86, 2001. (pp. 724–731). In Michael K Brawer (Ed.), Testosterone Replacement in Men with Andropause: An Overview, Retrieved 11/9/2015 from:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1472881/#B1.
[10] Longitudinal changes in testosterone, luteinizing hormone, and follicle-stimulating hormone in healthy older men, J. E. Morley, F. E. Kaiser, H. M. Perry, 3rd, et al., Metabolism, 46, 1997. (pp. 410–413)., In Michael K Brawer (Ed.), Testosterone Replacement in Men with Andropause: An Overview, Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1472881/#B1.
[11] The effects of testosterone on sleep and sleep-disordered breathing in men: its bidirectional interaction with erectile function, M. L. Andersen and S. Tufik Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18519168.
[12] Gender-related differences: Origins and Outcomes, K. B. Hoyenga and K. T. Hoyenga Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 1993. (n.p.)., In E. Allgeier and A. Allgeier. (Eds.). Sexual Interactions (5th Ed.) Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2000. (p. 84).
[13] The endocrinology of sexual arousal, J Bancroft, Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: http://joe.endocrinology-journals.org/content/186/3/411.full.
[14] The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (p. 3).
[15] Is EBE theory supported by the evidence? Is it androcentric?, Daryl J. Bem, Psychological Review, 105, 1998. (pp. 395-398). In E. Allgeier and A. Allgeier. (Eds.). Sexual Interactions (5th Ed.) Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2000. (p. 337).
[16] What Are the Limits of Human Survival?, Natalie Wolchover, Livescience.com, 2012, Retrieved 11/13/2015 from: http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html.
[17] 3. How long can the brain go without oxygen before serious damage occurs?, TransWeb.org: University of Michigan, Retrieved 11/17/2015 from: http://www.transweb.org/faq/q3.shtml.
[18] How long can the average person survive without water?, Scientific American, 2002, Retrieved 11/13/2015 from: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-long-can-the-average/.
[19] How long can a person survive without food? Alan D. Lieberson, Scientific American, 2004, Retrieved 11/13/2015 from: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-long-can-a-person-sur/.
[20] Sex Life: Low Sex/No Sex Marriages: Sparking The Ho-Hum/No Hum Sex Life, Clifford Penner & Joyce Penner, Christian Counseling Connection, Volume 17 Issue 3, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2010. (p. 11).
[21] The Best Reason to Have Sex, Philip Weiss, Retrieved 11/6/2015 from: http://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/health/the-best-reason-to-have-sex-20121001#ixzz3qitpNuwP.
[22] Ibid.
[23] Testosterone and androgens in women, Women’s Health Program, Monash University, 2010., Retrieved 11/19/2015 from: http://med.monash.edu.au/sphpm/womenshealth/docs/testosterone-and-androgens-in-women.pdf.
[24] The Best Reason to Have Sex, Philip Weiss, Retrieved 11/6/2015 from:
http://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/health/the-best-reason-to-have-sex-20121001#ixzz3qitpNuwP.
[25] Age differences in and correlates of identity status from college through middle adulthood, S. K. Whitbourne, K. W. Van Manen, Journal of Adult Development, 3, 1996, (pp. 59-70)., In R. Kail, and J. Cavanaugh (Eds.) Human Development: A Life Span View, 2nd Ed., Belmont: Wadsworth Thomson Learning, 2000. (p. 376).
[26] Earnings replacement rates of retried couples: Findings from the Retirement History Study, A. Fox, Social Security Bulletin, 42, 1979. (pp. 42, 17-39). In R. Kail, and J. Cavanaugh (Eds.) Human Development: A Life Span View, 2nd Ed., Belmont: Wadsworth Thomson Learning, 2000. (p. 544).
[27] Trends in satisfaction with retirement, R. E. Barfield & J. N. Morgan, The Gerontologist, 18, 1978. (pp. 19-23). In R. Kail, and J. Cavanaugh (Eds.) Human Development: A Life Span View, 2nd Ed., Belmont: Wadsworth Thomson Learning, 2000. (p. 544).
[28] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier and Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 308).
[29] Olden or Golden: The Twilight Years and Caring for the Elderly, the e-team, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 19, No. 4, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2013. (p. 8).
[30] Frequency of sexual dysfunction in “normal” couples, E. Frank, A. Anderson, and D. Rubinstein, New England Journal of Medicine, 299, 1978. (pp. 111-115). In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 123).
[31] Becoming Orgasmic, 2nd Ed., J. Heiman and J. LoPiccolo, Englewood Cliffs: Prentice Hall, 1988. In Cathryn Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo (Eds.), Multielement Treatment of Desire Disorders: Integration of Cognitive, Behavioral, and Systemic Therapy, Chapter 3, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 58).
[32] The new male sexuality, B. Zilbergeld, New York: Signet, 1996. (n.p.), In Cathryn Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo (Eds.), Multielement Treatment of Desire Disorders: Integration of Cognitive, Behavioral, and Systemic Therapy, Chapter 3, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 58).
[33] Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, Julia R. Heiman, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 118).
[34] Ibid.
[35] Taking The First Step Toward Intimacy in Marriage, Michael Sytsma, Christian Counseling Connection, Volume 19, Issue 4, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2014. (p. 10).
[36]Shorter Slang Dictionary, Fergusson Rosalind; Eric Partridge and Paul Beale, Routledge, (December 1993). (p. 21.) Retrieved 9/19/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls.
[37]The Influence of Testicular Sensory Stimuli on the Dream, Richard V. Yazmajian, Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association 15:1, 1967. (pp.83–98). Retrieved 9/19/2015 from:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls.
[38] Testicular and Scrotal Masturbation, Jules Glenn, International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 50: 3, 1969. (pp.353–362). Retrieved 9/19/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls.
[39] Sex Slang, Tom Dalzell and Terry Victor, (December 2007). Routledge. (p. 16.) Retrieved 9/19/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls.
[40] Blue Balls. To the Editor, Randy Rockney; Anthony J Alario; S. A. Weinzimer; P. S. Thornton; J. M. Chalett and L. T. Nerenberg, Pediatrics 108:5 (November 2001). (pp.1233–1234). Retrieved 9/19/2015 from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls.
[41] The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (p. 176-177).
[42] Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs that Affect Sexual Functioning, T. Crenshaw, & J. Goldberg, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1996. In James K. Childerston, (Ed.) Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).
[43] Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, 2010, Retrieved 11/17/2015 from: http://scarlettheights.blogspot.tw/2010_08_01_archive.html.
[44] Ibid.
[45] The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (p. 90).
[46] Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs that Affect Sexual Functioning, T. Crenshaw, & J. Goldberg, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1996. In James K. Childerston, (Ed.) Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).
[47] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 68).
[48]The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, New York: Broadway Books, 2006., (p. 90).
[49] Clinical gynecologic endocrinology and infertility, 5th ed., L Speroff, R. H. Glass and N. G. Kase, Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1994. (pp. 457–515). In M. F. Sowers, J. L. Beebe, D. McConnell, John Randolph and M. Jannausch, (Eds.) Testosterone Concentrations in Women Aged 25–50 Years: Associations with Lifestyle, Body Composition, and Ovarian Status, American Journal of Epidemiology, Retrieved 9/10/2015 from: http://aje.oxfordjournals.org/content/153/3/256.full.
[50] Testosterone and androgens in women, Women’s Health Program, Monash University, 2010., Retrieved 11/19/2015 from: http://med.monash.edu.au/sphpm/womenshealth/docs/testosterone-and-androgens-in-women.pdf.
[51] Testosterone and androgens in women, Women’s Health Program, Monash University, 2010., Retrieved 11/19/2015 from: http://med.monash.edu.au/sphpm/womenshealth/docs/testosterone-and-androgens-in-women.pdf.
[52] Ibid.
[53]Rako, 1996., In Female Sexual Arousal Disorder, Chapter 4, Barbara Bartlik & James Goldberg, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 99).
[54] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 83).
[55] Taking The First Step Toward Intimacy in Marriage, Michael Sytsma, Christian Counseling Connection, Volume 19, Issue 4, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2014. (p. 10).
[56] Ibid.
[57] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (pp. 82-83).
[58] Sinha-Hakim et al, Journal CEM, 83, 1998., In Women’s Health Program, Testosterone and androgens in women, Monash University, 2010., Retrieved 11/19/2015 from: http://med.monash.edu.au/sphpm/womenshealth/docs/testosterone-and-androgens-in-women.pdf.
[59] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 86).
[60] Can a Woman Become Pregnant During Her Period?, Jennifer Barton, Retrieved 11/9/2015 from: http://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/ovulation/fertile-days/pregnant-period/.
[61] Ibid.
[62]Ibid.
[63] Testosterone and androgens in women, Women’s Health Program, Monash University, 2010., Retrieved 11/19/2015 from: http://med.monash.edu.au/sphpm/womenshealth/docs/testosterone-and-androgens-in-women.pdf.
[64] Understanding orgasm: Scientists are uncovering evolutionary roots and modern function of the female orgasm—and its fake counterpart, Sadie F. Dingfelder, American Psychological Association, Vol 42, No. 4, 2011, Print version: page 42, Retrieved 11/23/2015 from: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/04/orgasm.aspx.
[65] Ibid.
[66] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 77).
[67] Fisher 1973., In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 126-127).
[68] (Tsai, Feldman-Summers, & Edgar, 1979; Norris & Feldman-Summers, 1981). Fisher 1973., In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 126-127).
[69] Walker et al., 1999., In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 126-127).
[70] Laumann et al. 1994., In Julia R. Heiman, (Ed.) Orgasmic Disorders in Women, Chapter 5, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 126).
[71] Understanding orgasm: Scientists are uncovering evolutionary roots and modern function of the female orgasm—and its fake counterpart, Sadie F. Dingfelder, American Psychological Association, Vol 42, No. 4, 2011, Print version: page 42, Retrieved 11/23/2015 from: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/04/orgasm.aspx.
[72] Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs that Affect Sexual Functioning, T. Crenshaw, & J. Goldberg, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1996. In James K. Childerston, (Ed.) Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).
[73] Meston and Gorzalka 1995., In Female Sexual Arousal Disorder, Chapter 4, Barbara Bartlik & James Goldberg, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 90).
[74] Taking The First Step Toward Intimacy in Marriage, Michael Sytsma, Christian Counseling Connection, Volume 19, Issue 4, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2014. (p. 10).
[75] Hormones & desire: Hormones associated with the menstrual cycle appear to drive sexual attraction more than we know, Bridget Murray Law, Vol 42, No. 3, 2011, American Psychological Association, Retrieved 11/11/2015 from: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/03/hormones.aspx.
[76] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 180).
[77] Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 84).
[78] Regan, 1996., In Elizabeth Allgeier & Albert Allgeier, (Eds.) Sexual Interactions, 5th Ed., Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000. (p. 125).
[79] Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, Marianne J. Legato United States: Rodale, Inc., 2005. (pp. 49-50).
[80] Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, James K. Childerston, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).
[81] Meston and Gorzalka 1995., In Female Sexual Arousal Disorder, Chapter 4, Barbara Bartlik & James Goldberg, In Sandra Leiblum and Howard Rosen (Eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, 3rd Edition, New York: The Guilford Press, 2000. (p. 90).
[82] Beyond Chemistry: Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex, James K. Childerston, Christian Counseling Today, Volume 21, No. 1, Forest: American Association of Christian Counselors, 2015. (p. 12).
Please check back again soon!
His Love Gauge Page
Introducing:
The Genesis 2:24
Cycle of Marital Intimacy
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24 — NIV
CYCLE OF INTIMACY
MAP:
Have a Question or Comment for Mikel?
(Give your feedback here....)
Heading Quote:
[1] His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, (15th Anniversary Ed.) ,Willard F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001. (p. 46).